BDSM, 
Dominants, Switches, and Submissives

So, you read the ad for BDSM and you really like the photo.  You write to her, tell her you like her photo, like the things she’s interested in, and you want to beat her and have her suck your dick.  Why would she become annoyed at that?  Well, maybe because she’s dominant? 

Dominant, submissive, switch all have specific meanings in the BDSM community.  Not only that, but there are usually specific conventions in addressing dominant women that they find to be necessary.  More so than dominant men, though dominant men have their own little ways.  And sex?  Well, just a hint that you need to read BDSM ads very carefully.  Not all dominant women have sex with their play partners.

Dominant in the scene almost always means ONLY Dominant.  Very few people who call themselves dominant will switch, or if they do, it’s in such limited circumstances they may as well never switch. 

Submissive is the opposite.  If someone calls him/herself a submissive, asking him/her to dominate you is pretty much a lost cause.  Their nature is being submissive.  Not in domination.  It’s not interchangeable for most people.

If someone can go either way, they will refer to themselves as a switch.  A switch may be a gender switch, which means that they are submissive to one gender and dominate the other.  They may be a situational switch, which means that in some situations they are dominant and some submissive, or it may all depend on how they perceive their partner.  It also may depend on their mood at any particular time.  Switches are NOT people who can’t make up their mind.  They are people who can enjoy either side of the Power Exchange and that’s a good place to be.  But switches are not the most common players.  Most people are either dominant or submissive.  So back to that.

Men who address submissive women with “yo, bitch, on your knees.”  Are demonstrating total cluelessness.  Just because a woman is submissive does NOT mean she’s submissive to you.  If you reply to a submissive woman’s ad with some sort of “Write to me on your knees, NOW bitch.”  You have made it clear that you not only know nothing of real world BDSM, but that you are unlikely to have any respect for her as a submissive.

Submissive men and women are some of the strongest people on earth because they can give their entire will to the person of their choice.  The key phrase here, however is Person Of Their Choice.  They have not yet decided to submit to you.  Since you don’t yet know them, your assumption that they are submitting to you is totally premature.  So please, when you write to them, write a nice, friendly letter letting them know what YOU are looking for and expect and open a dialog.  If it’s right for both of you, you will definitely reap the rewards of taking your time.  And another clue for male dominants:  Don’t send her a photo of your penis or your naked headless body.  This has come up on newsgroups often enough to be a clear no no. 

Submissive men are more likely to be accepting of rudeness from dominants.  There are a lot more submissive men than there are dominant women.  This does not mean, however, that it’s okay to be rude, obnoxious and demanding of submissive men.  If you see a submissive man’s ad that you like, then write to him and tell him what you liked, what you are looking for, and say you’d like to meet for lunch/coffee.  Don’t demand he accept a collar today.  Don’t tell him that all your male slaves have to do XYZ.  Treat him like a human being.  Truly submissive men are to be treasured above rubies.  Most who call themselves submissive are just looking for kinky sex.

Dominant women are another kettle of fish all together.  Calling her Mistress before she accepts your submission is seen as presumptuous.  Mistress is a term implying obligation and relationship.  So when you write to her, call her by her name, call her ma’am, but avoid using Mistress as a term to address her by.  Don’t send her photos of your privates.  Like submissive women, that is not the most important thing that she is looking for.  Do READ her ad.  A lot of dominant women do not have sex with submissive men.  Don’t expect her to be into “casual sex” or “sensual servitude.”  Don’t tell her how good you are at oral.  Don’t tell her that you want to be her toilet (trust me on this…this information is better saved until after you meet her.), want to be castrated, or want her initials tattooed on your whatsis.  Take time to get to know her.  Write to her about what attracted you in her ad, what you expect in a relationship (not too graphic, okay?) and what you are looking for long term.  Suggest lunch or coffee in a public place.  Be interesting.  One liners, “I want to be your slave” don’t tell her anything she wants to know about you.  If you didn’t want to submit to her, you wouldn’t have answered her ad.  So give her information, don’t waste her time.

Dominant women may be the most complex category to deal with because female domination is often very different from the Variations Magazine stories.  Many female dominants are into service and don’t have sex with submissives.  Many will only have sex with submissives in an ongoing relationship after a long, trial period.  Many female dominants are not into service, but are into SM only.  Many are into service, and not into SM.  You cannot treat these ladies as being interchangeable.  Be very careful to read their ads.  Be sure that what they are looking for is the same as what you are looking for.  One other thing.  Dominant women network.  They talk a LOT and if you are rude, obnoxious, and behave badly, you’ll find that your nickname makes the rounds and you will get more turn downs.  Be careful what you say.

Writing to dominant men is fairly easy.  Follow the same procedure.  Tell him what attracted you.  Tell him what you are looking for.  I’d avoid sending naked photos here, too, because you want him to see you as a person, not a “fucktoy” even if that is the major turn on for you both.  Keep it friendly, but reserve calling him Master for when you know there is something there.  One of the worst parts of the internet are “Velcro collars” which are the people who give and accept collars without them meaning anything, and where they can last only days or even hours.  You want to be taken seriously, so maintain a bit of dignity. 

One final word:  If you are turned down by the person you wrote to, don’t continue to send them whiny, threatening, rude or obnoxious emails.  If you mistake someone’s interest in BDSM for sex, and he/she writes you a “get lost” note, accept it.  Don’t write back with justification.  Don’t call him/her names.  Go on to the next.  You are not going to change anyone’s mind, and you are just ruining your chances for any of his/her friends. 

Domina  

The Frugal Domme
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