Beating the Odds in the
Virtual Singles’ Bar:
A Guy’s Perspective on Chatting Online with Women
First of all, you have to realize, gentlemen, that
we’re facing tremendous odds.
There are about a zillion men for every woman chatting
online, or so it seems. This
means that once you have acquired your target, you’re still
faced with the daunting task of convincing her they YOU are
the ONE she wants to talk to.
This means that you need to stand out, and I’m not
referring to your erect penis, which hopefully you have
resisted the urge of photographing and bombarding the woman or
women you are trying to strike up a conversation with-as a
side note, there are situations in which that picture may be
necessary, but usually you will find that is in the context of
a swinger couple asking for well-hung males to play with them,
and in that instance, you will be asked for it…just popping
off a “dick-pic” is tantamount to dropping your drawers in
front of her at the bar, just prior to introducing yourself.
The
“singles’ bar” analogy is a relevant one, despite the
seeming anonymity of the Internet.
Even if you’re just looking for “cybersex,” it
behooves you to at least start by more or less observing the
same rules of decorum that you would in a singles’ bar
setting. If you
have any experience with women, you probably already know that
for even the shallowest of them, mere looks are not all you
need to make the impression that gets you to the next level.
You need to catch her interest in other ways as well, a
principle which is probably even more applicable in the online
chat context, because she has no real way of knowing if the
picture you just sent her is really you anyway.
Whether it’s in an IRC (Internet Relay Chat, for the
uninitiated) chatroom, ICQ, AIM (AOL Instant Messenger), or
Yahoo Instant Messenger, or something similar, your only real
weapon in the battle to capture her interest is what you say.
Even if your initial salvo of “hey baby, let’s
fuck” or “what are you wearing?” doesn’t offend her
outright, it’s not going to be very distinguishable from the
5,000 other messages of essentially the same thing that
she’s received in the past 10 minutes.
The online
odds for men are not pretty, somewhat like the proverbial 5
bazillion sperm trying to fertilize that one egg; you’re
going to have to swim really hard to get there.
This means that you probably will get one chance to
make an impression, or some fraction thereof (it’s
ruthless). If you
are threatening, offensive, or just boring, you’re not
likely going to get another chance, so you have to be
creative. You can
be yourself, but you need to put a little thought into how to
approach her. The
singles’ bar rule is important here; approach it as if she
were standing in front of you.
If you wouldn’t say it to her in person, in a public
place, chances are, it isn’t appropriate in the chat
context, either. Be
interesting, be witty, even be a little of a smartass, but
don’t be crude (if she wants you to be, you’ll know).
Don’t be a stalker, either.
If she says no, politely go away, perhaps even
apologize for intruding, and chances are, she’ll be
impressed by your manners.
If you are
trying to approach her in an instant-messaging format, such as
ICQ or AIM, remember that this is somewhat invasive; it can be
like cutting into anther person’s phone call, or butting
into a stranger’s conversation.
You may want to ask prior to just barging in, i.e.
“hi, I saw your [pic, ad, etc.] and you seemed really
interesting, are you available to chat right now, or is this a
bad time?” That
applies to private messages in a chatroom, too.
In fact, in the chatroom context, it’s often best to
approach her in the “main” room, before initiating a
private conversation, and in some chatrooms, it’s somewhat
of a faux pas to send private messages without asking.
Being witty in the main room is very likely to get you
noticed, and you may find yourself with more than one woman
interested in talking to you more privately.
If you aren’t comfortable chatting in the main room
first, however, make the initial private message very polite
and as unassuming as you can.
Remember, your message is very likely to be one of
many, many, many others that she has been inundated with, so
you want to get a message through without adding to her
annoyance with the other 5,000 she has just received.
As far as
what you should say, well, that’s up to you.
Think about how you would approach her in a singles’
bar, or in a similar setting, and try to be polite, while
being interesting enough for her to differentiate you from all
the other “horny net geeks” trying to get her attention by
assaulting her with pictures of their penises (penii?), and
asking her if she’d like them to “fuck her all night” or
“lick her juices.” And
try to convey the message that you’re interested in talking
to her, whether it leads to anything sexual or romantic.
It can be quite a turn-off if you make it clear that
who she is matters not at all to you, only that she has the
proper plumbing (and online, you may very well be talking to a
man, anyway). One
way to get a feel for what women online deal with, is to log
into a chatroom for awhile, noting in your visible profile
that you are female—now this may be against the rules in
some chats, so be careful—you will get a flavor of some of
the idiotic things men say to women online.
Just remember to be interesting, be interested, and be
polite, and don’t say things you wouldn’t in person.
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