The book,
"Advice From The Fine Art Of Flirting"
by Joyce Jillson, is dated, but still contains
worthwhile tips.
Ms. Jillson's three
biggest tips on flirting:
Be friendly.
Don't let past rejections
cloud your judgement or make you paranoid about
an interaction going on right now.
Be prepared, both
physically and emotionally. This means looking
your best as often as you can (people meet in
the oddest places), and not dragging past or
present personal troubles into a new
interaction.
Ideas included "being
playful yet persistent," showing
vulnerabilities, flirting with no expectation of
reward (i.e. just for fun, without a win/lose
mentality), learning to dance, and contributing
and/or appreciating good humor.
Ms. Jillson's "Ways
to be a Great Flirt":
1. Use flattery
2. Say "Hello"
with energy
3. Shake hands (depending
on circumstances)
4. Make immediate, direct
eye contact
5. Repeat the person's
name
6. Ask "no one ever
asked me that before!" questions
7. Ask for your new
friend's life story
8. Have something to say
by keeping up-to-date
9. Play with a piece of
clothing (dangling shoe, playing with earring,
stirring a drink, adjusting hair)
10. Whisper
11. "Help someone get
out of an old routine, and into a new one"
(introduce them to a new activity)
12. "Leave them
wanting more"
13. "Create and use
nicknames"
14. "Drop Names"
(show your connections to
other people in your flirting partner's
community) 15. "Wear, bring, or carry
something unusual"
16. Limit the amount of
time you flirt (take the pressure off
yourself)
17. Set a numerical goal
(I will flirt with four people tonight, for my
own good..)
Ms. Jillson's "5
Don'ts of Flirting":
1. Don't depend on others
to make things happen
2. Don't tease (i.e.
offering more than you intend to give)
3. Don't cling
4. Don't dwell on your
performance
5. Don't fidget
She also recommends, when
appropriate, subtly mimicking the other person's
gestures and smiling. Appropriate use of touch
was discussed at length.
She mentioned brushing
lint off someone's jacket, touching someone's
hand as punctuation to making a point in the
conversation, etc. Accidental touch such as
reaching for the salt shaker at the same time,
was also mentioned favorably.
Ms. Jillson also had some
gender-role specific advice. Such as:
"Women are less likely to engage in
conversation with a man sitting by himself if he
is smoking; the (male) flirt who can sit still
and do nothing - neither drink, smoke, nor
fidget - is most likely to find someone cozying
up to him" and "For women, hair is one
of the great flirting props; playing with hair,
not combing it, but pushing it, shaking it,
twisting it are very sexy come-ons" and
"As for makeup, women should chuck most of
it (with the possible exception of mascara and
lipstick)."
About eye contact:
"While staring or holding a gaze a second
longer than usual will succeed in attracting
notice, so will other subtle and more tasteful
eye contact; try this: Throw a glance to a
person, and then, as soon as your flirting
partner turns to meet your gaze, immediately
lower your eyes. This is very effective for both
men and women." She also says,
"Another technique that successful male
flirts use is the darting eye. Women have less
luck with this because it is a bit aggressive
and somehow has masculine connotations. Take a
quick look at a woman once; then return your
eyes to their normal position; take a second
look, held much longer; and then a third look
where you turn your head in her direction but do
not direct your eyes at her. The third move
makes you appear less intrusive, but still
confronts her in a manageable way." The
author didn't comment on how any of these
gender-role specific things tend to be different
between same-sex male or female couples.
At parties, often one of
the hosts will introduce new people to other
people. When being introduced, Ms. Jillson's
advice is to "always put out your hand and
always say the person's name and always ask a
question." The conversation needs to get
started somehow, and unless something more
