How to Impress a Woman

This week's featured author is Dean who runs an advertising agency.

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10 Ways to Impress a Woman.

“Man” has been defined as a creature that spends its first nine months struggling to get out of one woman and the rest of its life striving to get into as many others as possible. A bit on the cynical side? Not really. Think about it for a moment. When was the last time that you – assuming you’re a heterosexual male – did something that had nothing whatsoever to do with impressing (or appeasing) some woman or another?

We’ve been doing it all our lives, so it’s become second nature, like breathing or leaving the toilet set up. And it was all so easy at first. To impress our mothers, grannies and amahs enough to persuade them to pamper us, all we had to do was be there, penis firmly in place, Genuine Certified Prime Male Offspring.

Then came our first mistress. Schoolmistress, that is. A mite more taxing to impress than our doting female relatives, but still no great sweat. Churn-out a few infantile finger paintings, parrot the a-b-c and she was eating out of our hands.

Easy.

But not so those other females now infesting our lives and unnerving us with their whisperings and gigglings. What to do with girl classmates? How to impress small, vicious, vociferous people given to jeering at us for digging our noses, peeing in our pants and all those other boyish eccentricities our aunties always found so endearing? If we were smart we quickly learned that violence was a no-no. Even chivalry aside, there was always the risk that they might gang up and beat us to a pulp. So, no choice but to try impressing them with our manliness, coolness, any –ness we could think of. Anything to get them laughing with us, not at us.

How about the direct approach? “Hey, girls, come behind the bushes and look what I’ve got”. “Eeeejuh, so small and wrinkled, lah. Teacher! He’s showing it again!” Ooops. OK, maybe we can try the full-on Bad Dude routine. “Listen…I can say a lot of really horrible swearwords. In three languages.” “Oh, #$%&-off, you stupid, disgusting boy.”

Might as well face it, impressing women is something many of us are not spectacularly good at. And the situation doesn’t seem to improve very much with practice. Even more damaging is the realisation that, even if we do stumble across a way of impressing the very socks off one woman, it may leave the next one totally unmoved. Except, of course, for the One Thing That Never Fails. The one and only gesture guaranteed to impress any woman of any race, colour, creed, age, height, weight or disposition:

1. Flowers.

Nothing warms hearts, heals hurts, dries tears, thaws iciness or loosens lacy undergarments like the gift of flowers. A single rose, a dozen red, a mixed bunch, even a fistful filched from over the neighbour’s fence or a bloom hastily gathered from the nearest table arrangement; just about any combination of stems, leaves and petals will suffice.

At first sight, this appears to make good sense. Like the women they unfailingly impress, flowers look great and smell nice. But hang about, I hear you cry. We’re talking cut flowers here. Blooms that have been clipped, snipped, nipped in the bud and are now – there’s really no other way to put it – absolutely plucked. Soon they’ll droop and shrivel-up. Won’t that likely remind her of the fleeting nature of beauty? Of the impermanence of love? Of the way my penis behaved the night she announced, right at the crucial moment, that she’d gone of the pill a month ago?

In a word, no. Remember we are only men, you and I, and that one of the many, many problems we have is that we think too much. So let’s forget our Freudian hang-ups about drooping stalks and such and focus on the simple fact of life: nothing impresses a woman like flowers. Especially if you arrange for them to be delivered to her somewhere nice and public (the office in which she works is ideal) where she can derive untold delight from the curiosity and envy of her girlfriends.

2. Write a poem.

A touch way-out, perhaps, but well worth a try, particularly if you write it on a card accompanying flowers. I sure worked for Lord Byron in his day, besieged as he was by bevies of wanton (as in sexy, not the soup) women.

If you decide to try your hand at poetry, though, for Pete's sake make it romantic, not raunchy. For example if your idea of subtly seductive verse is something along the lines of “You’re a rose/I’m a thorn/Away from your petals/My prick’s forlorn”, better you scratch the whole idea. Or else rip-off something reliable from the classics like “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day”, or “She walks in beauty like the night”, and the hell with creativity.

3. Perfume, perhaps?

An oldie but still a goldie, as long as you buy the right brand. Which, if you happen to be a connoisseur of overpriced odours, you can ascertain by simply inhaling in the presence of the woman you hope to impress. But if like most men you’re olfactorily impaired/nasally challenged, you can ask her or one of her friends. The downside of perfume is that, unlike flowers, which soon wither and die (see above), a tiny, exquisitely expensive vial of fragrance seems to last several thousand years. So if you buy it for her too often it only mounts-up on her dressing table and sits there reminding her how predictable you are.

4. Baubles, bangles and beads.

If diamonds really are a girl’s best friend, as De Beers and the classic Marilyn Monroe song would have us believe, then the guy who gives them out must come at least a close second, right? Not necessarily. What if she prefers emeralds, sapphires or rubies, or sees herself as more of a pearl girl? What if she hates the setting you choose, or you guess her ring size wrong? Sure, lots of women are impressed by jewellery. But don’t be surprised if some of them turn out to be gold-diggers. My advice is, give jewellery when you get serious. But if you’re just sowing your wild oats, go easy on the carats.

5. Spend, spend, spend.

Money no object? Why stop at flowers, perfume and jewellery? Why not go totally over the top, like that pitiful workaholic wimp portrayed by Richard Gere in the movie “Pretty Woman”? You’ll impress a very high class of female this way, witness Julia Roberts. But my question to you here is, however thick your wallet or long your line of credit, why pay retail? As long as you’re both buy-sexual, why not just check her bar code and use-by date and ask how much discount for cash?

6. Ride a motorcycle.

The bigger the better. Like the man says, there’s nothing like something huge and hot and throbbing between your legs to put a tiger in your tank and pussy on your pillion. Unfortunately, as everybody knows, there’s also nothing quite like a motorcycle to land you on crutches or a marble slab. But if you’re breaking your neck to impress, what to do? Insure yourself to the hilt, wheel on out there and be true to the biker’s creed: “Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful beneficiary.”

7. Get a tattoo.

Once an insignia of triad membership or an indication of having served time in either the navy or the slammer, skin pix are now quite chic in some circles. Impress your woman enough with yours and she might even go ‘tit for tat’, so to speak, and get one to match. As in all things, though, try to keep your tattoo tasteful. I’d suggest drawing the line at moving pictures, though, like a heart positioned so it appears to throb with a flex of a bicep, or an “USA” that cleverly erects to “United States of America”.

8. Watch your butt.

Women do. And if they notice that you’ve got one of those awful matronly bottoms men get from sitting around on their dignity all day, they’ll be very unimpressed indeed. So what are you planning to do about it, blubber buns? Walk? Run? Swim? Work out? Whatever it is, do its lots. Plus, instead of just slumping there in your chair during all those mindless meetings you’re paid to sit through, practice tightening those glutes – buttock muscles, that is – all the while intoning the magic mantra: “Women make passes at men with tight asses.”

9. Pierce your body.

Certain woman will be wowed by this, particularly if you hit a major artery in the process. Seriously though, some women do seem to fancy a man who wears a ring in one of his external organs. Ear, nose, nipple, belly button or even – sakit nya! – foreskin. The site or sites you select depend entirely on whether you aim to impress publicly, or by private appointment only. And of course on whether you’re prepared to fail to impress any woman who considers she needs a perforated admirer like she needs a hole in the head.

10. Take her dancing.

Disco dancing’s not a bad start, because that way you get to flaunt the sexy butt you’ve been working so hard to achieve. From there you can move up to ballroom, where she’ll be impressed by the romance of it all and you could find yourself so responsive to all the cheek-to-cheek, chest-to-chest, groin-to-groin action that you’ll wish your tailor had built a tad more ball room into the old tuxedo trousers. Top of the impressive scale comes so-called “dirty dancing” which, done right, is very grubby indeed. In fact it’s really just a full-clad, standing-up, right-there-on-the-dance-floor version of what some people call – and what all this wowing of women is all about achieving – the “horizontal hula”.

But enough, already. There must be a couple of billion women in the world, each with her own individual notion of what a man would have to own/spend/say/give/be or do to impress her. Even deducting the millions of them who are too young/old/big/small/bright/dumb or just plain bitchy to waste time trying to impress, that leaves us with more than a lifetime’s hard labour. And here we were thinking Ladies’ Night at The Jump was a challenge! So it’s high time we stopped talking about it and got right down to some serious impressing.

Meanwhile, in the interest of Equal Opportunity and all, I’ve been thinking about a companion article to this one advising the female reader on ways to impress a man. But from the way it’s going it looks set to be the shortest magazine piece in history. Because, however hard I rack my brains, I can think of only one thing a woman has to do to impress a man, any man, every man. Just say “yes”.