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Auto
Fellatio
Is it really every man's fantasy? |
Every so often,
"something" happens to trigger a new column topic.
Sometimes it is a movie, sometimes it happens when I am having
sex. This time, it was an e-mail. Here is the e-mail I
received several weeks ago, and after much investigation and
polygraph work, I have determined that the content is 100%
truthful:
ok Jenn, I have a good one for you. Since this
is something that I hope will never happen again, I don't
really need advice, just an opinion or basically someone to
share this bizarre experience with. Here goes... I decided to
try the online dating thing, since I have known a few people
that have really had luck with it. So, I meet this guy, we'll
call him "John" and we really hit it off well. We
exchanged pictures and began talking every day on the phone. I
put off meeting him in person for a while but after a few
weeks I felt really comfortable with him and we made a date.
Things seemed to be progressing very well and we ended up at
my apartment (not a smart move, I know). Let me explain that
nothing sexual was going on nor was it even referred to, we
were just talking and enjoying each other's company. Then he
leaned in and kissed me, which I didn't mind. We were kissing
for a bit and some light groping was also involved, which I
was also enjoying. He then stopped and asked me what the
kinkiest thing I'd ever done was and since I didn't want to
divulge too much on the first date I of course, threw it back
to him and asked what the kinkiest thing he'd done was. He
began to tell me a story of a time that him and a girl were
watching a porno and then said, "well it would be easier
to show you..." and then unzipped his pants leaned over
and proceeded to give himself a blowjob! I was completely
stunned and and speechless. I guess he mistook it as a good
sign and dropped his pants completely and threw his legs over
his head to show the many ways he can perform this trick. When
he finally stopped to ask me what I thought, the first thing
that I could manage to say was "Wow...you're
flexible." By this point the horror and disappointment
was obviously written all over my face and he got himself
dressed quickly and left. He has since made attempts to
contact me which I have successfully avoided. My question to
you is how would you have handled a situation like this? My
friends each screamed and told me of the various ways they
would have chased him out of the house, but you have to keep
in mind that I really liked this guy and was hoping that we'd
hit it off. I realize he is not the only man in the civilized
world that has tried this ( although, he may be one of a
select few who succeeded). What I find most bizarre and
offensive is not that he does it, its that he chose to show
me, and on a first date no less. Maybe its me, but that should
have been saved for a much later date....do you agree?
And a follow-up e-mail from the
man, to the woman...
how is everything...havent talked to u since
we met....i was thinking about something all day
yesterday...i had a great time with you on saturday but i
think i might have scared u off which i hope isnt true.....i
can totally understand why you would feel that our first
meeting was a bit weird...i feel bad now....i hope all is
not lost ...i hope to hear from you
My first reaction was absolute
fascination with this story! And after corresponding with the
woman who wrote the e-mail, I knew I had to incorporate it
into a future column. Then, after thinking more about it, I
became a bit more fascinated with the topic itself.
Autofellatio is defined
as a man performing oral sex on his own penis. Autocunnilingus
is the term used for a woman pleasuring herself orally.
Throughout my formidable years,
I have heard jokes about autofellatio. Usually, someone jokes
that if a man could give himself a blowjob, why would he ever
need a woman (or why would he ever need to leave his house?) I
always thought the jokes were overrated. I could never fathom
a man wanting to pleasure himself in that manner. Hand and
finger masturbation, absolutely! But to actually go the other
route? Perhaps I might think differently for a woman, since I
am a woman.
I decided to do some unofficial
research, and surprisingly, nearly 75% of the men I contacted
said they had at least thought about autofellatio at some time
in their life (most when they were in their teens), and made
some attempt to bend over to see how close they could reach to
their penis. Less than 5% of those I communicated with said
they ever made contact with their penis, and nothing more than
limited tongue contact.
Not surprisingly, autofellatio
is not common. According to the famous sex researcher Alfred
Kinsey, only two-tenths of one percent (2 out of 1000, or
.002) of the male population are capable of reaching their own
penis with their mouth.
According to www.masturbationpage.com,
"The most common method for autofellatio is to lay
on a bed with your head close to a wall, swing your feet up
over your head and against the wall, as if you were doing a
backwards somersault. Then, start walking your feet down the
wall until you can either take your penis into your mouth or
you simply can't bend any further."
However,
most experts feel that even if a man (or woman) can reach
their privates with their own mouth, little can be done. Most
men that are able to reach their penis can get no more than an
inch or so into their mouth, so instead of being able to
perform on themselves, men are more apt to orgasm over the
though of the act, more than the actual act. Also, women have
a tougher task then men, since men have the additional six
inches (on average) closer to the mouth than a woman. Also,
there are absolute dangers to even trying this, as one must be
extremely fit and limber (nearly a contortionist) to pull this
off. Interestingly, there are several yoga-related exercises
named The Bridge, The Cobra, and Downward Dog which are
supposed to help make the act more possible. If you're
interested, these can be found at www.movingintostillness.com.
Of
course, there are many pornographic videos and images of both autofellatio
and autocunnilingus readily available on the Internet. Just do
a search, and be ready for dozens of pop-up boxes. I must
admit, some of the pictures I saw were pretty impressive. Did
they turn me on? The men - No. The women - Perhaps. I need to
check some of them out again. Have I ever tried it? No. I know
it would be a waste of time. I can barely bend over and touch
my toes. Would I if I could? Being the sexually liberated
chick that I am, I'm sure if I could, I'd probably give it a
whirl if for no other reason than true sexual research. And as
crazy at it sounds, the thought of being able to do this is
kind of turning me on right now, and I need to end this column
:)
So there you have it, more than
you'll ever want to know about autofellatio and
autocunnilingus. But don't try it if you're not in shape, and
please don't exhibit it on your first date with someone you
actually like!
© Jenn
at e-crap.com |
JennEven
is a SexyAds member who writes about sex and sexual
topics. We're happy to have her part of the SexyAds/ SAGazette
team.
