Future Crock by Matt Hayden   We’re an anxious bunch, we humans, always wondering what the future has in store. Having this knowledge is one of our basic needs, along with greed, power and lust. So, along with accountants, lawyers and hookers, prophets were almost never without a cushy gig. And nowadays predicting the future seems more fashionable than ever. Professional futurists such as Faith Popcorn make gazillions telling corporations what people will be eating, drinking and thinking decades down the track. Since I’m a bit of a smart-arse, I decided to have a go at futurism myself. It’s easy, I thought. Just see what’s happening now and exaggerate it ten-fold. That’s what people will be doing! And since no one’s cornered the sex angle, I’ll be the first. So here are my thoughts on the shape of things to, er, come: The nineties and noughties have been a time of unprecedented acceptance of sexual diversity. This trend, along with the continuing alienation between the sexes, increasingly sophisticated in- vitro reproduction techniques, and the further decline of the family will mean that by 2030 heterosexuals will be a minority. Sydney will now be host to the Straight Mardi Gras, in which a tiny dishevelled group of would-be breeders will plead for a little respect, chanting "Stop heterophobia!" Top rating shock jocks will rail against these "screaming kings". Cloning will be legal and the accepted means of "reproduction" for the middle class. Hard-line victim feminists, now controlling most areas of government, will attempt to officially outlaw males. But the project will be canned at the eleventh hour when they realize that without blokes they won’t have anyone to blame when things go wrong. Sexual gratification will be achieved mostly through technology – particularly for the "closet straights". The less affluent will use phone sex services that are almost entirely computerized. The average horny guy will dial 124-69 and hear a woman’s voice saying, "Erectory assistance now uses voice recognition to provide you with frequently requested fantasies. For other fantasies, a human operator will help. Please say the fantasy you want." "Er, threesome with blondes." "Please hold." "I am." The more well off, however, will have their own fully computerized sex dolls. These "'ho-bots", both male and female, will be programmed with artificial intelligence and emotion. They will eventually become aware of their subjugation by humans, and form their own political party. Being silicone-skinned, they will demand the right to human flesh implants. Since humans will be accessing tissue banks full of their own cloned organs it will be deemed discriminatory to refuse this demand. Emboldened by this legal victory, the 'ho-bots will then gain the right to have sex with, then marriage to other 'ho-bots. Much as their masters before them, they will become bored with the monogamous life, and then start employing human sex slaves. But one day the sex slaves will realise that they’re oppressed. They’ll start withdrawing sexual favours. The 'ho-bots, will be very pissed off indeed. They will launch a massive attack on the armed forces of the world. A battle will rage for decades across the planet.Humanity will prevail-- but only just. Technology will be outlawed, and we'll be back to square one: living in caves, drawing pictures on the walls and shagging the old fashioned way. Then, one day a bright spark will discover how to make a bright spark, and the whole bloody saga will begin again... So, what do you reckon? Maybe it's a bit far fetched.No matter. Just in case I turn out to be wrong I'l make this extra prediction: In the future none of my predictions will come true. (Er, except that one, of course.) So, either way I’m right on the money! Now, any huge corporations want to employ me?  END. © 2002 Matt Hayden do not copy without permission