by Matt Hayden
The digital revolution has certainly sped up
the pace of life, increased access to information and
empowered many individuals. But perhaps its most widespread
effect has been to free up attitudes to sex.
Now, millions of people who were previously
too shy to enter an adult bookstore are furiously downloading
porn on their computers. They are also creating porn on their
computers. There is a truly amazing explosion of exhibitionism
going on. There are now countless women making money hand over
fist (and whatever else they can fit in there!). Perhaps as
many couples have turned their bedrooms into workplaces. There’s
no lack of enthusiasm here. These people really love their
work -- and their work-mates -- and are more than happy to
spend a hard day at the orifice.
There’s already a burgeoning industry based
on helping these entrepreneurs get up and running. "Are
you a self starter?" they ask. "Well, make your
wet-dreams come true and create your own masturbation
site!"
Since so much of the Internet economy is now
sex-related, I suspect that even the non-sex sector will have
to become pornographic just to get the consumers’ attention.
Plumbers will soon be posting naked photos of themselves on
their web sites: "Meet Ted, he’ll clean your pipes, and
then he'll clean your pipes!" Financial services? Expect
a site featuring snaps of a comely bespectacled wench happily
bouncing up and down atop a naked man, while assiduously
attending to two others. Underneath will be the line:
"Who says accountants are boring?"
The legal profession? "Deal with Shaggit
and Tugg, lawyers. We take on all cases, pro-bone. If we don’t
win you don’t pay a cent, and you get to fuck us. If we do
win you make a packet, and you still get to fuck
us!"
Airlines? United will be asking you to fly the
extremely friendly skies.
Qantas will become Qoitas. "Feeling
Qoitastic, it’s a feeling nice to know!" The name
Virgin won’t change, just be followed by this qualification:
"Uh, we’re being ironic."
There is already a porn news channel called
Naked News. Its ratings are rising as fast as the temperature
of its viewers. In a bid to keep their audience shares Fox
will become Fux, and CNN the Carnal News Network. With all the
news-readers nude the news-makers will have to follow suit (or
rather, suit-less). Politicians will really be pressing the
flesh. Australia will be governed by the Extremely Liberal
Party.
"Vote for me!" demands the new
candidate at erection time.
"Why?" says the naked journo.
"Because I’m hung like a horse and I
can go all night!"
"What about the economy?"
"Screw the economy. In fact, screw
everything, that’s my policy! And you’d have that policy
too, when you’ve got a schlong like mine. Look at this spunk
trunk, would ya. It’d give elephants proboscis envy. It’d
make pachyderms pack their daks!"
The mainstream media, already more explicit
than it has ever been, will be flooded with porn around the
clock. New genres will include the "sit-cum", "cockbuster",
and "spiller". Being a wooden actor will be an
asset, not a liability!
But with everyone famous for fifteen, er,
centimetres, and the economy awash in body fluids, the bubble
will burst eventually. Then there'll be a new commodity
selling like hot-cakes. You guessed it: Bibles. (Oh, and
ointments to soothe all those sore genitalia.)
