Spain, which has long had a reputation as a conservative stronghold (particularly in relations between the sexes) has been undergoing a social revolution. Recently, for instance, a marriage law was passed requiring that men promise to do their fair share of housework.

When I first read about this I almost couldn't believe it. I mean, men are just never going to do their fair share of housework. It's just the way it is!

Women make nests; men make mess. And men are even more terrified of dirty dishes than they are of emotional commitment (which is saying something). These are just immutable laws of human nature.

Whatever the intentions behind this law (or the consequences of it) it's really got me spooked. See, there's a strong possibility that other countries -- like mine, Australia -- may well follow suit. (Ominously, there's been a strong push for something like the Spanish law which has been getting an awful lot of media attention lately.)

I'm also worried that the international housework fascists have even more diabolical plans in the pipeline. Once having conquered the kitchen, what's to stop them invading the bedroom?

I can just see it now. Every husband will have to promise to be on call sexually 24/7 and to deliver complete satisfaction every time. While that may well be a fantasy for most men, the reality would surely be a nightmare.

These sex police will use a variety of classic techniques to assure compliance. I imagine a variation on random breath testing, for example, in which men are pulled over on highways and ordered to perform cunnilingus on their wives. If they can't bring them off within a set time, it'll be off to "soft-cock deep-lock" for a week of attitudinal reconstruction -- and daily tongue exercises.

Carnal coppers will also be "walking the beat", shining torches into bedrooms late at night -- or even brazenly entering them.

"Just checking that he's performing adequately, Ma'am!" they'll say politely. "You know the number to call if he isn't."

But I suspect that most of the surveillance (and subsequent punishment) will be covert.

The global eavesdropping system Echelon will now be put to work finding the "hopeless hubbies" not already discovered. Vast halls full of super fast Cray computers will analyse the chatter of cyberspace and telecommunications networks searching for female-generated phrases like, "Man, what a dud lay!" and "I'm still just so horny!".

Alerted to the identity of a counter-revolutionary, the sex police will act with swift and terrifying force.

I see images of men dragged off footpaths and bundled into vans; blokes just not showing up for work, their terrified co-workers acting as if nothing happened; soccer stadiums full of dishevelled, defeated men whose only crime was to have a premature ejaculation problem!

The horror ... The horror.

I'm so terrified that we'll go down this "slippery slope" I've taken to praying for the downfall of the Spanish Government. Yet I'm an atheist. (But then so are many Spanish priests these days, so I suppose that's not such a problem ... )

END.


Copyright Matt Hayden, July 2005.