I will soon be forty years old. It's a strange feeling because quite frankly I don't have a clue how I got here. And I still haven't worked out where I'm going.

I suppose that technically I'm "middle aged" - although with all these medical advances being made I could still be a whippersnapper. (On the other hand, if God plans to send a semi-trailer with failed brakes heading my way I could be a codger right now!)

But having reached this point, I have made a few discoveries about growing older that I think hold for most people:

If you have a tendency to procrastinate (as I do) it gets worse - not better - over the years. Strange, and depressing, since you clearly have much less time to procrastinate with!

The sense of shame you have about your own naked body decreases in inverse proportion to the sense of shame others feel about it.

The sex drive doesn't wane with age. The less sex you get, the more you want. And the more sex you get, the more you want. It's just that the older you get, the less sex you can handle without putting your back out.

All men become dirty old men. The reason this isn't immediately apparent is that most can't find dirty young women to realize their potential.

When you're thirty you shag first, ask questions later. When you're forty you ask questions first, then maybe you shag later - or, more likely, have serious misgivings and decide that it's better to "just be friends". (At age twenty, however, you shag first, second, and third. And you don't ask any questions at all!)

When you're young you never suffer "performance anxiety". Then you do occasionally, and it humbles you. When you're old you do all the time because the anxiety you feel is wondering whether you'll ever be asked to "perform" again. (Personally, I'll be happy if I can just score another audition...)

You get better at expecting rejection, not dealing with it.

When you're older you're much less willing to fall in love. But when you do, you fall a lot further. And it hurts so much more when you land!

The older you get the more "emotional baggage" you accumulate, most of it to do with how much "emotional baggage" everyone else has. I'd say that "emotional baggage" is such a perennial issue, most relationships become like the hangars at O'Hare International Airport when the conveyor belts are busted and the handlers are on strike.

As men age they seek women who are younger and more beautiful than their last wife or girlfriend. Women, however, look for men who are smarter and richer. Hence the boom in Viagra and plastic surgery.

You discover that love is not only blind - it's deaf, dumb and stupid as well!

Now, after looking back over that list, I realize it is pretty gloomy. So I should include at least one up-side to growing older:  As you age you don't take things so seriously, and you are able to laugh at yourself more. Hell, you might as well, because everyone else is laughing at you too!

Copyright Matt Hayden, June 2004.

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