| Looking
for Myth-ter Right
By Matt Hayden
I often hear that the Internet is a window
into the popular mindset -
or "zeitgeist" as arty types like to call
it. With this in mind I was curious about what major
ideas we're obsessed with.
So I typed "myth" into Google and
started surfing. I ended up
on some wacky sites, many of which had a creepy,
Stephen King-like feel to them.
I discovered that not only were many people
obsessed with vampires,
werewolves, and a host of other fantastic
beings; they were also convinced that they actually
were these creatures!
Decide that you are just about any mythical
creature under the sun (or
moon, for that matter) and there's certain
to be a site just for you, replete with message boards,
FAQs, and "awoken" counsellors to help you cope
with your newfound identity. Some even have personal
ads in them!
These in particular intrigued me. My first
thought was that many who
scour these ads aren't actually "otherkin"
themselves. They're just looking for some extra
excitement. Passionate women might find a Sasquatch
interesting, for instance. After all, you know
what they say about men with big feet: they have very
big... hearts. (This same rule advises you against
attachment to a pixie. They are not only small-footed;
they are also extremely elf-indulgent.)
Similarly, women might find vampires sexy, but
they're not exactly
sensitive - er, except to sunlight, of course.
And, after some hot-blooded correspondence, how
do you know what your rebellious Vlad-boy will look
like? The undead can't can't be photographed, remember.
So he won't be able to upload a JPEG to his ad.
The best you'll get is an e-mail just before you meet:
"How will you know it's me? Well, I'll be the pale
guy with the bloodstained shirt sitting in the darkest
corner of the café sharpening my fangs with a file."
But these vampire dating problems pale in
comparison to involvement
with a werewolf:
Shrink: "So, tell me about this
lycanthrope you're seeing."
Patient: "Well, being canine, he's
faithful, of course. But
he's very emotionally unavailable. He's a
werewolf, but I need him to be more of a 'here-wolf'.
The only way to get his attention is to say,
'I've got a bone to pick with you!' And when he finds
out I'm just being metaphorical, he practically bites
my head off! Just look at these scars on my scalp."
Shrink: "Interesting... So, do you want
to end the relationship?"
Patient: "Of course. But I'm stuck in it
because of my financial
state. See, I can barely afford a copper ash-tray,
let alone a silver bullet!"
Living with a werewolf could be maddening. But
becoming one could be worse. Think
of what a lycanthropic
transformation would do to your bikini line!
And imagine being the werewolf's cousin, a
"shapeshifter". As the
media keep telling us, women already
suffer greatly from body image anxiety. So how
would you cope with being a weasel one day and a dolphin
the next? And Lara Flynn Boyle thinks she's got
problems.
Considering all these drawbacks, I'd say
"otherkin" are
generally a bad choice for today's women. But there
is one mythical creature who stands head, shoulders
(and mane) above the rest: the unicorn.
Okay, he's not great at conversation, because
he's always horse. But
strong silent types are very dependable,
and you can ride him to work every day.Best of all, if you
file down his horn a bit, he'll give
you truly magical head!
Copyright Matt Hayden 2003. |
