| SETI
(The Search for Extra Terrestrial Intercourse)
Lately I've become fascinated with the ever-growing UFO hysteria.
As I read more and more tales of alien abduction - often involving weird
sexual experiments - I often wonder about the cause. Perhaps it's a religious phenomenon.
In the supposedly rational West, we've killed off our Christian God. But many still yearn for simple
answers to the big cosmic questions.
So we invent new deities who don't have beards and robes. They've got
googly eyes, dome-shaped heads and slick silver suits. They don't sit in heaven atop the clouds, but hover
far above them in humming disks.
And the sexual element? Well, sex and religion are always linked –- often in an ambivalent way.
While engaging in pre-marital sex, Catholics feel that anything so pleasurable must be heaven-sent. As they
reach orgasm, they thank the Lord by yelling, "Oh my God!".
But, as instructed, they feel ashamed afterwards and admit to their sins in
confessional.
Similarly "abductees" indulge their wildest, most masochistic fantasies. Then, embarrassed that they've
gone that far, they appear on talk shows to publicly
claim it was a nightmarish experience.
"Ha! 'Nightmare'?" scoff the watching cynics. "Don't lie, it was a wet dream. You loved every
minute of it!"
The believers protest: "But look at the evidence. Thousands of people claim to have been
abducted –- often experimented upon. How can so many people be imagining this?"
Well, with religious images, that happens all the time. Think of all the people who believe they saw
the Virgin Mary. (Okay, so none of them said she tied them down and took sperm samples. But the point still
holds: Faith is a very powerful hallucinogen.)
Yet not all "abductees" are religious types. Some are atheists. Perhaps it's just ego driving
their fantasies. Or even desperation? "Okay, so no one on Earth wants to
shag me!" they tell themselves. "But I've got several keen admirers from other planets
who do!"
Or perhaps the fantasy is generated more by the need for romance?
Women often yearn for powerful men. And only a truly powerful being could travel at
light-speed, hover over a woman's house, beam her up into a glowing, gleaming boudoir, do all manner of
kinky things to her, then spirit her down again -- all the while remaining undetected by her husband sleeping
soundly in the bed next to her (not to mention the giant US army radar base located just nearby)!
Then there's that old staple of the romance novel: the star-crossed lovers. Who could be more
star-crossed than a bored housewife from Tulsa and a little gray bloke from Zeta Reticuli?
Perhaps we'll see a whole new publishing house called Bills and Moon
cranking out interstellar romances. Instead of "bodice-rippers" they'll be known as "anal-probers"!
Maybe I'm being way too cynical. There is another explanation... See, aliens are often presented as being both
technologically superior and exceptionally lascivious.
That's not as incongruous as it sounds. Humans are by far the most advanced of all animals. We are also
the randiest. Perhaps there's a link?
Look at the internet. (Hell, you are already. Horny devils!) It was created by
egg-heads (blokes wanting to impress the chicks) and its development
has been fuelled by porn watchers (blokes wanting to undress the chicks). Basic lust is one of
the great engines of technological innovation.
Perhaps this association applies to all lifeforms in the universe? So if aliens are advanced
enough to traverse vast distances to come here, chances are they're also depraved enough to do some
seriously kinky things to us. Makes a spooky kind of
sense doesn't it?
Maybe it's all true after all!
Copyright Matt Hayden 2003. |
