| Differences
In Libido
By the Sex Coach
It happens frequently in relationships: he's horny and
she's not. Or she's horny and he's not.
When a relationship begins and everyone is
on best behavior, this issue often doesn't show itself. A guy with a high sex
drive may set aside his sexual needs for a while as he heats up the
romance. Or the woman, prompted by the passion of new love, may be more hungry for sex
than she normally is.
Especially after the novelty of a new relationship fades and sex takes on a more predictable quality, the issue of sexual frequency comes up
more often. A common problem surfaces when two people have substantially different sex
drives.
Here are some tips for dealing with that situation:
Talk about it
A disparity in sexual desire often leads to 'what's wrong with you?' conversations. When his lover declines or avoids sex, a man may feel that
his woman flatly isn't attracted to him and his body. A woman may feel that
if she doesn't have sex when her man wants it (which seems like all the
time) that he will leave her for someone more agreeable. She may then consent to
sex as a duty instead of a pleasure. Whenever there's a big disparity in
sex drive, people often argue, trouncing each other's ego and feelings.
Desire and its lack are powerful, unsettling topics, but talking it through openly and honestly can save a relationship. Understand that
having a high or a low sex drive does not make someone a bad mate. While a low sex
drive often breeds suspicion that someone is cheating, and a high one
often implies sex without values, sex and love are not necessarily linked.
Wanting little or lots of sex does not automatically reflect how much someone
loves
another person. Get the reality check you need. Share your thoughts and feelings about
your differing sexual appetites. As you talk about it in neutral tones
without blame or accusation, brainstorm options that the more highly sexed
person could choose to satisfy his or her sexual cravings.
Catch the high notes
Classically, the man has a high sex drive and the woman's is unpredictable. Catch her on a horny day and she goes off like a Roman
candle; catch her on an off day and the thought of sex makes her skin crawl. She
turns her back, avoids longing gazes, buries herself in a book, gets a
headache. Yet women today more freely express their sexuality than women
of yesteryear, and sometimes their libidos soar higher than men's.
It behooves a couple with different drives not to miss out when the less-sexed person feels frisky. That partner needs to learn how to send
smoke signals that the time is hot. Use verbal cues, hand signals, whatever it
takes. Meanwhile, the partner with a higher drive needs to find different
ways to temper those needs through other intimate activities.
Cuddle
Cuddling is an underrated sexual pleasure. Even high-priced call girls have learned that cuddling rates high on a man's list of pleasures.
It's soft, sensual, loving, and doesn't take much physical energy. Many women
love to cuddle but learn to refuse it when they suspect that two minutes later,
the guy's fingers will be snaking up her dress in search of clit.
The highly sexed person should do a mental check on just what pleasures he or she enjoys in traditional sex. Cuddling may offer many of those
things - sensuality, intimacy, even slow arousal. Cuddling and gentle stroking
satisfy many touch needs, often warming up a chilly mood and igniting a
sexual hunger, especially when you don't rush it like a fullback in a
whorehouse.
Once you have established that you like to cuddle, you can vary
the venue - on the sofa, in front of a fireplace, in bed, in a hot tub or
shower.
Massage
Taking cuddling to another level, a sensuous massage, where you lightly stroke someone, provides intimate pleasure. If it's done nude, smearing
on lotion adds wet and silky smoothness to soft skin. Massage your partner
with comfort and relaxation in mind, not with deep-tissue physical therapy or
erotic arousal as your primary goal.
Often, a person with a low sex drive thinks about the energy it will cost to turn in a hot and sweaty sexual performance. A good TV show or a
rousing game of cards frequently sounds better. Yet a massage may be a luxurious
alternative that pleases the sense but doesn't exhaust the participants,
and when it is done with love, it can be very satisfying.
Masturbate
Masturbating is often shrouded in guilt and shame, but it's a common sexual practice that can make a big difference. It becomes a couple's
experience when shared; as one person masturbates, the other can stroke,
lick, rub, talk.
After self-stimulation, a couple can hold each other. Rather than being seen as a last resort or a sorry sexual substitute,
masturbation can be enjoyed as a healthy alternative whether done alone or with help.
When cuddling leads to cravings for orgasm, that person can bring himself or
herself to payoff for a complete sensual treat.
Slow motion sex
Sometimes the disparity in drive is more about the kind of sex practiced. A much slower, relaxed, sensuous form of intercourse could solve this
conflict. Ask your lower sexed partner about the style of sex he or she
likes best. Maybe you'll find answers that hadn't occurred to you.
Meanwhile, the more you fulfill that person's wish list, the better your chances will
be of getting what you want, too.
Sexual alternatives
If the disparity in sex urges is so severe it may torpedo a love relationship, one
radical solution is an alternative lifestyle or relationship. This can take many different forms from cybersex to
swinging as a single to polyamory to affairs. Going this route often requires
intense negotiations, and if you're new to alternative lifestyles, you
should proceed with caution and communication.
Yet it's a way to stay together. As one
person said, "My lover and I may never find total sexual harmony with
each other due to our personal differences. We simply recognize that a disparity
exists, and we compensate for it without judging each other and without
compromising our cherished personal needs."
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