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Common Female Blunders
By
The Sex Coach
In the last Sex Coach column, we
discussed foreplay blunders men commonly
make. Now we'll focus on complaints men have about women and
what a man can
do to turn them around.
Boring Foreplay
One common complaint men have about women's approach to
foreplay is that
women just plop there, la-dee-da, as if strapped to a lounge
chair on a pleasure cruise, not lifting a finger. Some
guys wish they had a more sizzling, less passive lover
who enjoyed sex as much as they do, and who would occasionally
make fantasies come true.
What you can do: First off, be
careful what you ask for. Men often fantasize about the
hedonistic woman who radiates sexual charisma. She'll love all
sorts of sex and may even want to initiate threesomes or naked
pool parties to liven things up. Unfortunately, fantasy
doesn't always make great reality. The perpetually horny or
aggressive woman can place more demands on your body than you
ultimately want. That having been said, you can improve things
by communicating with your lover what you wish she'd do. Be
specific. "Be more exciting" is not specific. "It really turns
me on when you jiggle your breasts in front of my face" is
more specific. Keep in mind that women (like men) often need
permission 'the green light' to act sexually bold. Encourage
her by complimenting her and showing your appreciation, especially
when she does something you like.
Fantasy Dampers
Many men think that women often throw cold water on hot sexual
fantasies.
Many women don't like nasty sex and can't get into stories
about multiple
sex partners or other exotic delights. Men often believe they
need to keep their
favorite erotic thoughts hidden from the woman they love, and
often feel stuck in a small box of limited acceptable
behaviors.
What you can do: First remember
that the biggest threat for a woman in sharing your sexual
fantasies is unfavorable comparison. She assumes that if you
fantasize about something, you want it for real, and if you're
not fantasizing specifically about her, you don't love her as
much as you did. Her repulsion to your fantasy may more
accurately be her fear of failing to live up to your wishes.
Incidentally, women have fantasy lives that they hide, too,
but women tend to fantasize more about thrilling relationships
than sexual activities. A mental sex life supercharges
foreplay, and having your woman share the fantasy can be
awesome. Help her understand the difference between your
fantasy life and your real-life expectations. Make it safe for
your mate to play in your mental world. Meanwhile, realize for
yourself that trying to convert an exotic sexual
fantasy into a reality can be costly. For example, you may
have wild fantasies about the swinging lifestyle, yet your
mate may shudder at the thought. Although we'd love to see a
happy ending, you could pressure her relentlessly to attend a
swing party, only to discover afterwards it was nowhere near
worth all the fighting it took to get there. Sometimes
sticking with fantasy is best.
Sexual Guilt and Shame
Women often play with guilt and shame as a subtle means of
manipulating foreplay to tone down the heat of sex. They may
feel a need for more romance than their lovers are giving.
They may feel morally repulsed by what their man wants. They
may be bored by the sex they have, and may choose the rhetoric
of guilt and shame to cool your jet and avoid sex altogether.
What you can do: If this is a new
relationship, you and your lover may have a sexual values
conflict that could last a lifetime. She may not be your best
choice of partner. If this is a new trend in an established
relationship, it's time for a long talk. Her dumps of guilt
and shame are expressions of anger, which may have nothing to
do with sex. Find out what's bothering her; this may
necessitate professional counseling. Beneath the macho mask,
many men are quite vulnerable to sexual criticism. Guilt and
shame are slow destroyers of self-esteem, joy, and romance. If
the criticism is constant, you probably need positive
reinforcement that sex is okay.
Sexual Vampires
When some women dress and act in seductive ways, they're
venting their anger at men. They frustrate men by leading them
on, then leaving them cold, 'the classic cocktease'. Or like
strippers and hookers, they capitalize on their sex appeal for
gain. Lonely men are the usual victims, as they're more
willing to put up with the bull to get to the sweets, which in
this case may never arrive. If is happens, the sex is often
angry. She's seething inside even when she's being wild. She's
not bubbling over with warmth; rather, she looks icy and may talk with a sharp
tongue. Other sexual vampires
are needy women who suck your energy with their demands for
constant attention.
What you can do: If you're not
already hooked, think twice about taking the bait, sexy as it
may be. It's said that love conquers all, but you have to
decide how much energy you can afford. The anger and shallow
self-esteem that create a sexual vampire often requires a
therapist to work through. You need to understand that you
can't save or reform someone who doesn't want it.
You Say No.
If you've ever been the first guy to say no to a horny lady,
you may be in for an interesting tantrum. Most women have
little concept that men don't want sex every waking moment. In
seduction, a woman usually sets the pace by finally saying yes to a man who's
been pursuing her. She isn't used to asking for sex, and is
even less used to hearing not tonight, honey; at least until a
few years into a monogamous relationship. She may have gone
through an elaborate ritual to look wonderful, or she may have
planned a romantic surprise. No not
only means no; it means she's wasted time.
What you can do: No is a
legitimate response for a man. However, reassure her that the
timing is wrong, not her. You have business on your mind or
you're exhausted or whatever. Don't insult her for being
horny. Instead, perfect some sensuous alternatives that you
can share with her, such as cuddling, light massages, hot
tubbing, or a less demanding way to reach orgasm, such as
mutual masturbation or quiet oral sex.
.Editor's Note: The Sex Coach
welcomes feedback from all his readers, whether you're a rookie
or a veteran. You can email him with your thoughts at:
Pillowtongue@yahoo.com
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