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 Playing
with Erotic Fantasies
By the Sex Coach
We’re taught in school that high
levels of abstract thought separates humans from other
animals. When humans have sex, they often use these powers of
abstraction to add spice to their bumps and grinds; they
indulge themselves in erotic fantasies.
This is mental lovemaking. We all do it (even when we think we
don’t) Sex would be very boring if we didn’t use our brains to
give it meaning, romance, and pizzazz There is no right way or
wrong way to fantasize; there are no rules. You do it because
that’s what brains do.
Still, people vary widely on how they fantasize. Sometimes we
deliberately play with fantasies as a way to heighten our
sexual excitement and enjoyment. Sometimes we just fall into
daydreams without any prodding or design. Sometimes we
fantasize privately, even secretively. Sometimes we share our
mental wanderings with our lover. Some people act out their
fantasies as a bedroom drama; let’s pretend we just met at a
swinger’s party.
Some people fantasize mostly in realistic terms. They
fantasize about what might happen on a date next Saturday or
about what surprise they’ll get on their birthday. Realistic
fantasizing frequently involves replaying memories about sex
scenes that actually happened. Some people ponder so
realistically that they don’t think they’re fantasizing at
all.
Other people are happily imaginative and love soaring off into
the fictive ethers. They may fantasize lavish orgies with
superstars from sports or entertainment, perhaps even beings
from other planets. Their mental sex life may be populated
with a wild bunch of characters or situations that are a
constant source of arousal. They may enjoy cybersex adventures
and constantly feed their imagination with new erotic stimuli.
Fantasies for Everyone
Some people insist that they never fantasize…I live out all my
fantasies, yet they probably think of fantasies as playlets
that have a distinct beginning, middle, and end. Actually,
fantasies can be simple little slices of erotic
life…one-liners of dialogue (“Oh, baby, squeeze ‘em tight”) or
close-up views of exposed body parts. Fantasies don’t require
heavy plot or character development. You’re fantasizing when
you wonder anything about anything.
People who thrive on porn often focus on visual stimulation.
They especially like looking at body parts that do something
interesting during sexual arousal. (Stretch, one, two, three,
squirt, one, two, three) Pondering the visual has
traditionally been considered a man’s schtick, but with more
porn in mainstream stores and on the Internet, many women now
enjoy photos of people engaging in a full menu of sex acts.
Women still largely prefer fantasies with more elements of
drama. They like to develop storylines about meeting handsome
strangers who’ll sweep them off their feet with ingenuity,
sensuality, and dashing good looks. They wonder why these
people crush together in lust. Women also like settings. Do
those sizzling hugs and kisses take place on the ferry during
a foggy night, on the moonlit beach in the tropical trade
winds, or in the sumptuous boudoir of a famous country manor?
Honey, Why Do You Need to Fantasize?
Some people live with the fantasy that if you fantasize about
someone besides your partner, you’ve obviously fallen out of
love. They find it very unromantic to have erotic fantasies
about different Monicas on the side. The happily married man
who has a complex fantasy affair going with the sexy cigar
shop cashier may feel guilty at the conflict of interest going
on between his happy home and his smokin’ imagination.
On the other hand, freedom to fantasize creates sexual
arousal. It’s that hearty appetite that comes home to the
bedroom. Fantasy is the medium that helps adults shed their
ordinary, everyday consciousness, which may be filled with
stress over career, parenting, or other sources of worry;
fantasy transports them into the mood for making love.
Another point often overlooked is that fantasy helps each
individual take responsibility for getting hot and staying
hot. Some people expect their partner to always stimulate them
in the perfect way. Other people know that’s not very
realistic day in and day out and use their own fantasizing
powers to generate sexual heat.
The Dark Side
Fantasies are often filled with
shadowy, often illegal, immoral, and sometimes downright evil
desires. It is important to remember that fantasy and behavior
are two very different things. Fantasy is the mind at play,
and we should create room for recess.
It always amuses me when people debate about how pornography
promotes warped thinking, yet they say very little about
people habitually watching crime fantasies on hit TV shows. We
take for granted that people won’t commit murders when they
watch entertainment about murder, but some people think people
will commit disgusting sociopathic sex acts if they watch much
porn.
The fantasy mind gets excited toying with forbidden fruit.
This could be fantasy about kinky sexual practices, such as
bondage, sadomasochism, dominant/slave games, body piercing,
incest, bestiality, etc. Some people believe that playing with
dark fantasies is a bad thing, sinful in its own right. Others
view it as a harmless way to explore the erotic mind. For me,
I find that freely playing with my darker fantasies leads to
rapid boredom with those themes.
As many people have discovered, fantasies are often best left
as mental fiction. In fantasy, you have total control, and
even when you thrill yourself with the dark side, you still
dwell in safety, and no one gets hurt. Converting fantasy into
reality often creates disappointment. You no longer have total
control, and people sometimes get hurt.
Should you share fantasies? That’s a personal call based on
your relationship chemistry. It can be a great bonding
experience if you like to share the intimate details of your
sexual landscape. It can be an unnerving experience if you (or
your mate) are jealous, insecure, or judgmental, because many
people can’t accept it as amusement and entertainment.
The brain is a marvelous sex organ. Learn how to play it with
virtuosity and see how it pumps life into your sexual
encounters, whether you do it solo or share it with your
partner.
Editor's Note:
The Sex Coach welcomes feedback from all his readers, whether
you're a rookie or a veteran.
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