| Thinking
& Sex
I wouldn't be much of a sex coach if I didn't talk to you about a
highly important yet frequently overlooked aspect of great sex
-- what you do with your brain.
No matter what you do with your body, you also do it with your
beliefs, attitudes, fantasies, expectations, emotions, and perceptions. This is a simple yet vital chunk of erotic wisdom: If you like
somebody or you hate somebody, like the sex you're having or you hate it, the
bottom line is that your brain makes that decision.
We tend to think that great sex is about what happens with nipples, clits, and penises
-- that is, with physical organs most associated with sex.
But physical sensation is just one stream of input filtered by the brain,
which is also processing mental, emotional, and spiritual stimulation. What's the big deal? You get what you think. For instance, she's
sexy because you think she's sexy. He's a great lover because you think
he's a great lover.
Just by understanding this principle, you can learn how to better approach ecstasy and avoid agony. One of the most useful applications of
this knowledge comes in dealing with sexual problems.
Stress management
Perhaps you guys have experienced this: you just met a dream girl. You can't wait to enjoy her in full naked splendor. But when she gives you
the thumbs up, all you produce is a limp dick, and disappointment for both of
you.
What's with that? Could be a number of things, but one likely candidate is nerves. Stress. Performance anxiety. Most often that boils down to how
you're thinking about what you're doing. In this case you might be
screaming to yourself, "Damn you, get it up. You'll humiliate yourself. She'll
never want you again!"
A star football receiver never says to himself, "I know I'm going to drop the next ball. I know I'm going to miss the next pass."
Apply the principle to sex and see what happens. Focus your mind on
thinking positive outcomes. Shift your thinking from runaway negativity to
positive reinforcement.
I have personally found that sex is much more enjoyable when I come from a space of wanting to give someone a gift of pleasure.
A whole mind shift occurs when you change from I want to get something to I want to give
something beautiful.
Sex won't be a delight when either you or your partner fears rejection, dishonor, or emotional punishment. When you think that you have to trick
someone to go to bed with you, or conversely, that you're being
manipulated to have sex, you're defeating your pleasure through poor sexual
thinking.
Pleasure enhancement
On the positive side of the ledger, here are some ways how you can use your brain to enhance your pleasure:
Sensate focusing. Many lovers making out think about what to do next
instead of what's happening now. Listen to Sex Coach: Concentrate on all
the sweet sensations your body is feeling in the moment. Let your brain soak
up every drib and drab of bliss from all your physical sensors.
You do that by relaxing. So, when someone gives you a massage, relax
and soak up the pleasure. Or when you're entwined in intercourse, slow down
enough to feel each heavenly thrust. Become aware of every delightful
sensation you're feeling. It also pays to involve as much stimulation for the senses as you
can -- sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Whether it's candles,
finger food, sex videos, incense, music, sexy costumes, it's all brain food.
Sharing emotions. Truly the most powerful erotic magic happens when
you are emotionally involved. People often talk about sex being best when
you're in love, which essentially means being emotionally invested. At different ages and life
stages, sex means different things, and emotional impact is different. Early on, it's the thrill of erotic
discovery, first loves, becoming a man or a woman. Later in life it's fantasy
fulfillment, celebration of life, romantic ritual, sometimes renewal of
spirit.
You get what you think. By sharing your sexual emotions, you get emotional sex!
Sharing fantasies. One of the best ways to get at emotions is to share
favorite sexual fantasies or turn-ons. These are often quite risky to confess, primarily because they're often
about raw scenes of debauchery. If you have a jealous mate, admitting your
fantasy about patronizing a brothel or sex dungeon may result in temper tantrums
and cold shoulders. Yet you get what you think. If you don't share your inner erotic
world, you may be setting yourself up for mediocrity and boredom.
Sharing fantasies provides an intimate way to liberate your erotic personalities.
Explore mental foreplay through fantasy sharing. Swap long fantasies
while sitting on a park bench where you can't/won't do anything
about it. Or write each other erotic emails where you tell all. Then get together
and do something about it.
Creative visualization. The visual mind projects a fascinating array
of mental pictures, colors, and hypnogogic patterns that you can watch on
your mental movie screen. Sometimes the mental images are realistic; other
times they're abstract. You can simply enjoy them as art, or you can use them
to improve your sexual performance. How? Primarily, by using your visualization skills to picture success
as a lover. Picture what you'd like to have happen. While many people from
all walks of life learn how to use visualization techniques to improve job
performance, athletic abilities, and health, the application to one's
sex life is not often publicized. That's a pity because it's quite a
powerful pleasure tool.
Night dreams. Some people think that night dreams are a waste of time
because they aren't real, yet other dream watchers know that these night
dramas are a source of great joy and intrigue if not psychological
insight. Pay attention to your night dreams; they'll often take you to places
you'd never suspect. Be seduced by starlets, meet exotic call girls, try doing
it with a different species -- you never know what things will happen to you
in the land of dreams.
Good luck!
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