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 Afterglow
- The Forgotten Sex Stage
By the Sex Coach
Men often get caught in this trap:
They want hot sex from their wife or girlfriend. They want
someone to scorch their brains with dirty talk and nasty body
movements. Women often do those things, perhaps reluctantly,
as a gift. But then after a man has his orgasm, his mood
abruptly shifts. He turns away from his woman and falls
asleep, or he gets out of bed and heads for the fridge, or he
tunnels his vision into the TV as if she doesn’t exist.
Of course, you’ve heard the term afterglow, and you may be
aware of how a woman’s sexual response differs from a man’s.
Classically, afterglow is a period for cuddling, basking in
good feelings, and sharing intimate conversation. In reality,
men frequently fall out of their erotic moods with a thud.
Ejaculations often bring on dramatic mood shifts from sexual
obsession to sexual apathy. This shift often bewilders the
woman who’s just given an award-winning sexual performance.
“I just want a little sign that he loves me once sex is over,”
Kat says about her man. “It’s difficult for me to go from such
intense physical intimacy to just laying there, feeling miles
apart. All I want is to curl up next to him and at least feel
his arm around me, but he usually doesn't want me to touch him
right after. It just makes me feel used and unappreciated.”
How to Show Your Appreciation
Many women do not feel complete with an erotic encounter
until they know they’ve pleased their man. The less you share
your appreciation, the less willing she’ll be to make sparks
some other day. Women often make an unspoken agreement that
goes like this: “I’ll dress up and act nasty for you because I
know you like it, but you have to reward me in return. Tell me
how great I am and how much you love me.”
Afterglow is an important ritual. It’s like the victory lap,
the end zone dance after a touchdown, or the post-game show.
It’s a brief celebration of what just occurred. It’s a moment
of thanksgiving for the miracle of sensuality. In addition,
women come off their sexual peaks in a slow glide, not a
splat. After climax many women have an emotional need to feel
close to their man.
Show some appreciation before nodding off or reaching for the
remote. Give praise, give thanks, give warmth. Show her that
you enjoyed yourself. It’s worth the effort to make your woman
feel appreciated. She’ll remember it the next time she notices
all the signs of your impending horniness.
While it’s often believed that afterglow is a woman’s thing,
men are often most eager to know how they did. Especially when
a man is in love, he wants to know that he’s pleased his mate.
Some men want to know that they are good in bed and may be
more concerned about their sexual performance. Others want to
know that their mate feels sated and complete, which could be
more about emotions than sexual technique.
Afterglow as an Attitude
We think of afterglow as what happens after sex, but if
you show your appreciation on an ongoing basis, you’ll find
life in the bedroom taking on a more delicious flavor. Here
are some tips for gaining favor:
Positive feedback. Giving positive feedback is an easy
and effective way to show your appreciation. It’s also one of
the most overlooked. “Would it kill him to every now and then
tell me what he likes about me?” a disgruntled lover asks. For
many men, the answer is “Yes, that would kill me!”
Simple compliments show her that you’re paying attention. Tell
her that you like a particular dress; you love how she smells;
you think her hair looks and feels super; you like the meal
she cooked; you like what she just said. In praising her, be
genuine and specific in your compliments. No matter how
sexually blunt a woman likes to be, she also likes to know
that her man thinks of her as more than a hot body. By
complimenting her nonsexual traits, you show her you like a
whole woman.
On the other hand, a woman who loves you also likes knowing
that you find her sexy. As much as she likes that you respect
her mind, she also likes knowing that she turns you on.
Love letters. A love letter is a classic way to show
someone that you care. It says “I love you” over and over.
Whenever your loved one wants a compliment fix, she rereads
one of your love letters.
A love letters creates an opportunity to pay compliments that
have sticking power. They stick because you’ve put ‘em in
writing. When you send her a note she hasn’t asked for and
it’s not on a mandatory holiday like February 14, she feels
extra-appreciated.
Love letters can open up great doorways to mental eroticism
that can deliver a surprising jolt to your sex life. Crooning
about how you’d love to make love with her can fondle her
imagination all day long.
Flowers. Most women love receiving flowers. However,
there’s an art to giving flowers, and the wise man finds out
what his honey’s favorites are. Some women like the single
rose approach; they aren’t wowed by massive floral oversells.
Other women have favorite types of flowers. A dozen roses may
not be as meaningful to a daisy girl as a spring bouquet would
be.
Sensuality. If you only touch when you want sex, cut it
out. Many women love affection (holding hands, hugging,
cuddling) that does not require a quick orgasmic response.
Frequent touching conveys the message that you care, and when
the mood strikes with erotic lightning, it will be much more
powerful.
Doing Stuff. If you live with the woman, nothing builds
appreciation better than teamwork. You may not be a fix-it
specialist, a gourmet chef, or the richest man on earth, but
demonstrating your partnership with a woman is a very
important step.
Said another way, not helping her around the house may have a
negative impact on her libido—at least where you’re concerned!
It’s not so much (as many men believe) that women trade sex
for labor. It’s more that women like to feel partnered,
joined, intimate. They’re more anxious to keep their partners
happy than strangers who just wander in when they’re horny.
Editor's Note:
The Sex Coach welcomes feedback from all his readers, whether
you're a rookie or a veteran.
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