An
Irreverent Look at Internet Dating
By
Sonja Katz
Summer
Re-runs
I'm
into instant gratification. Gimme that Instant Messaging; I'm
ready for answers to my pesky questions right now. And,
in the middle of the workaday world, there's no better break
than to see the names of friends and other potential victims
pop up on the screen as "online," except maybe to
see the words, "View My Web cam!" next to their
monikers.
You
never know what you're gonna see, but chances are, it's a
re-run.
Recently,
the proliferation of Web cams has made instant work of getting
answers to many questions when you're talkin' online dating. I
mean, there no longer has to be any interrogation as to how
big, how long, etc. All you have to do is tune in, sit back
and watch for yourself.
Now,
do this at say, oh-dark thirty in the morning, and you're
going to see a whole world of folks who only perform on-camera
before everyone else in their household wakes up. On Cuseeme,
for example, there will be a bunch of unshaven guys in
baseball caps and T-shirts displaying various company logos,
rubbing and/or scratching the only thing on their
caffeine-deprived body that is wide awake at that hour -- to
anyone who is present on the receiving end to see it.
Sometimes, there's a lone woman in the room, inspiring all to
work harder before going to work.
Personally,
I love seeing these unshaven brave souls with their
early-morning stiffies and the women who would egg them on to
a Grand Slam before their actual breakfast at Denny's – to
an extent, that is.
But,
sometimes, it gets old, especially when there are only
close-up action shots. (No, I don't think there are any stunt
people or body doubles at that hour.)
The
focal point, of course, is whatever is being rubbed and
stroked or impaled at the moment, but after awhile, it all
gains a certain familiarity which can breed disappointment.
"Look,
Honey! She's online again, using that toy. Ohhhh, wait; I've
seen this one before."
It's
like the season ends after a couple of showings, and then it's
the usual summer re-hash of what we've already seen during
sweeps. The solution? Come up with something different!
Okay,
so you don't want to show your face while you're fondling your
phallus? Be innovative, different! Get that electrician's tape
out of your tool belt, Buddy, and put a nice strip of it
across your eyes! Please, once in awhile, how about a variety
show? Be the Masked Morning Marauder, the Lone Stranger! Try
covering up the wife who is sleeping on the bed in the
background, and for heaven's sake, and if she snores, turn off
your mic! (It's just not fair to her any other way.)
I'm
probably one of the last holdouts when it comes to purchasing
a Web cam, and it may be a good thing.
I
doubt I'd be invited back to see any return performances if
they could see that I was watching movies on television or
writing a column while occasionally typing IMs to them that
say, "Good work, Stud Muffin!," or "You go,
girl!" when the performance becomes repetitive or lasts
longer than my first two cups of coffee.
Now,
look. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy the shows, and maybe
it's my fault for not inspiring something new and different.
Maybe we should entice Nielsen to institute a rating system
for Web cam performances, or form an academy with awards that
would promote shows in lots of different categories.
One
thing's for sure: Reality TV has nothing over the performances
we see on early-morning Web cams.
©
2001 Cirious Business
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