An Irreverent Look at Internet Dating 

By Sonja Katz

It's not a job; it's an adventure!

I'd put money on it; sooner or later if you're a woman who is dating, the guy is going to ask you The Questions:

"Say, have you ever considered having sex with another woman?"

He can't help it. My theory is that it's gotta be something hard-wired in; and that just maybe, that joke that they're really lesbians trapped inside men's bodies isn't really a put-on at all.

The timing of The Questions is accelerated online, of course, just like everything else. In my experience, it occurs between e-mails #1 and #7, depending on how long you spend on (what must be) non-essential things like career, common interests and whatnot. The attention span of most of these pseudo-lesbians can be extremely brief if you dwell on that stuff before wheedling sex into the conversation, which usually is at least suggested within the first e-mail, in one form or another.

No problem; you kind of expect it from most people online. After awhile, if they don't arrive there by e-mail #3, you begin to wonder if maybe these lesbians-in-disguise are just trying to sell you something instead of answer your personals ad. Of course, it's probably a combination of both.

So, when my last boyfriend asked during foreplay, I carefully considered my answer. I told him between carefully-placed kisses, that within the last year or so, the idea had morphed from repulsion to something that slipped into my fantasies now and then, purely as something to experiment with – not as a lifestyle. I told him I wouldn't mind seeing what it felt like from the other side of things, but that I really wasn't up to actually arranging it.

"I know I'm a pig for asking this," he said. (I don't know why men like to compare themselves to this particular barnyard animal, but if the shoe fits …). He was talking in broken phrases as his tongue lightly traded syllables with geography, trailing past my navel to my Southernmost regions. He knew his timing; I wasn't about to argue with the man at this juncture.

I was drenched with desire; he was poised and pushing against the port of my weakest threshhold. More than willing to be taken prisoner, I was also aching for release when he went on to ask the next one:

"Have you ever thought about being with two men at once? What about two couples," he said as he thrust forward in his quest for knowledge.

I had absolutely no choice but to help him through the gate at that exact same moment. Aside from the fact that I was smitten with this guy, with all this heat, he could have asked me to take out a second mortgage on my home for him, and I would have said, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

And, thus, my surrender began.

A couple of hours passed, a long time for a man possessing these precious answers to The Questions. I received his e-mail, with copies of ads to which he'd responded, by every local couple who had expressed these same interests in one form or another on Sexyads.net, Excite.com, and Yahoo.com.

I was stunned, yet titillated with this pace. On the other hand, I wasn't having any sexual emergency; I was perfectly satisfied with this man and our lovemaking. I didn't want to think about it today. After all, I thought, some things are better left as fantasy. And, tomorrah is anutha day.

The advance moved forward in spite of my weanie-like thoughts, as I never really expected it would happen. This was just pillow talk, right?

Wrong. Suddenly, things changed from romance to a full-on hunting trip. He was sending me ad after ad after ad, asking what I thought about this couple or that one. For me, he explained, two men instead of one would be like a special bonus gift. What I neglected to see, was that I'd given my lover a season's permit, and his gun was fully cocked and ready to fire.

I have to admit, however, that I took full advantage of my position while it lasted. The promise of new territory hung in the air over us like smoke, heady and thick. The bedroom became our bunker as we regularly plotted the release of the wild pigs within each of us. In some ways, it was great fun.

But, Pork Chop Hill had to be less work than this.

As we perused the pics of people who were looking for other couples, he was going to settle for just about anything, while I wanted something special if I was going to embark on this escapade. I really didn't want to effort at it at all, but had to have some hand in it if I didn't want a couple of circus freak show acts. In a perfect world, I would be an accidental recipient, totally surprised at the exact right moment, by my boyfriend and two extremely gorgeous, intelligent people who just couldn’t get enough of us porkers.

Trying to get two busy people together is tough enough, but four via e-mail, is almost impossible. Mix in some other criteria, such as "no power tools stronger than 4.5 hp," or "must be hung like a racehorse and be able to whinny on command," and you've got a real hunting expedition on your hands.

This is not a job for amateurs, and they don't call it a "lifestyle" for nuttin'.

We never did find the right couple, but it wasn't for a lack of trying. And, as the search lasted longer than the boyfriend, I'm still pretty sure that some things may be better left as fantasy. That is, of course, until the next time I'm asked The Questions by the right man

You can write to Sonja at sonjakatz@sexyads.com if you're a SexyAds member!