Sonja's Sojourns - 
An Irreverent Look at Internet Dating 

By Sonja Katz

Lost in Translation

My new boyfriend forwarded the URL of an Internet photo album to me, which included shots of a trip he took with a friend of his last year. They ended up sleeping separately, he told me, because "she snores and moves around a lot."

We had been together lots of times, but were planning a trip of our own, and I was a bit worried (coming from a family who could qualify hands-down in the "crashing surf" class of snoring competitions world-wide) that I would awaken him and all his dead relatives when we finally spent several entire nights together while on vacation.

In any case, I detected a little moodiness tonight when we were chatting online about a totally unrelated subject. Although he said he wasn't upset, you know how misunderstandings seem magnified when transmitted electronically. This one was manifesting in a way that made him clam up on me, so I went to his house, just to give him a little hug, & make sure everything was okay. It was, he assured me, and told me he didn't want me to leave. He said he had a terrible headache, and wondered if I would just stay with him until he fell asleep. I crawled in to cuddle under the covers with him and he took some headache medication that had a little bit of a sedative in it.

Of course, I was delighted when he dozed off and started snoring. I thought, as I drifted off to sleep, "Hey, he's had a sedative, and he's snoring himself! I'm home free!", and proceeded to let his log-sawing lull me to dreamland.

One half-hour later, he abruptly rolled over, his back to me now, and harrumphed in a slightly accusatory tone, "You snore really loud."

I'm thinking, "That may well be," but said, "But, Honey, so were you."

"No, I wasn't. You must have heard yourself snoring."

I'm thinking, "Well, that could be the truth, too," but said, "But Honey, I heard you before I fell asleep."

"When exactly was that?" he demanded. "I've been told before that I snore, but I never fell asleep tonight, so it must have been you, and you dreamed that it was me."

I wondered as I bit my tongue, if this was really worth me getting annoyed about. I decided not to make his headache worse by protesting further. In fact, I thought, I'll be the gracious one here and offer him an out, knowing he's ultra-sensitive to this particular issue.

"Honey, I'm really sorry I woke you."

"That's okay, Babe. I'll get some earplugs for our trip."

Arrrgghhh. Why didn't he just say, "That's okay, Babe. I'll just hammer an ice pick into my eardrums so that I don't have to suffer even worse punishment from the pig-like snorting you emit during sleep."

Instead, I muttered something like, "Glad I'm not dating a man who would snore while I'm trying to sleep," as I pulled my jeans up over my hoggish hips. The fabric seemed much tighter ... in fact, I knew there must be bruises on my lardass from trying to force the awning-sized fabric around it. It felt much more constricting than scarcely an hour earlier when I'd removed the previously normal-sized jeans to get into bed with my delicate prince.

"What's that you said, Babe?" he asked over my grunting as I gave up trying to bend over to tie my shoes. 

"Nothing, Honey. Sleep well!" I snorted as I squeezed behind the steering wheel and into my vehicle, straining the struts as I swerved out of his neighborhood. After all, I didn't want any undue harsh feelings or misunderstandings.

As soon as I was out of earshot, I said, "And, don't you worry, Honey! I'll just have that pesky soft tissue ripped from the back of my throat and maybe even my esophagus cut out by morning!"

I'm sure he wouldn't have heard a word, even if I'd yelled it into his ear. By the time I got out to his driveway, I could already hear familiar rumbling sounds from his bedroom.

You can write to Sonja at sonjakatz@sexyads.com if you're a SexyAds member!