Sonja's Sojourns – an Irreverent Look at Internet Dating  

By Sonja Katz

Love me, love my dog

I've always been of the mind that if my dog responded well to someone I brought home with me, that I could be pretty sure he'd pass muster with me, too.

So, I like to mention something about the fact that I'm animal lover in my personal ad. After all, it's important that someone who wants to spend any significant amount of time with me, understands that you really have to like dogs to date someone who owns one of gargantuan proportions.

I started going out with a one guy who hadn't answered or read my ad, but wrote exactly the right things in response to something I'd written that was published online. Things were going along swimmingly one night in his jacuzzi, when he said he had taken the time to read my ad, and saw that any of my prospective dates should have a bit of tolerance for dog slime.

I started gabbing away about my pup. You know, what a good friend he was to me, and how my dad had once bought me a bumper sticker that said, "The more I get to know men, the more I love my dog."

It wasn't exactly true; I happen to love men, I assured my playmate by patting him under the bubbles. But the dogs in my life have stayed around much longer than the men have.

After all, "Ewwww, dog germs!" is not the type of thing a woman with a giant-class dog wants to hear when she finally brings her date home to meet him. It's a lot different than talking about it online, this is the real deal – finally meeting, face-to-muzzle, the one I occasionally call (in my best Arnold voice,) "Da Sliminator."

My new dog, "Plenty," is seven months old and edging in on 90 lbs. He's a Great Pyrenees and not a lot different than Baby Huey, in that he's very playful, but has no concept of how large he is. Neither do many of the guys I've met.

And, for some reason, they can't seem to help but to make some salacious remark about how long Plenty's tongue is, in conjunction with a seedy little, "Heheheh."

It's important to note here, that just because I love my dog, and I may even prefer my male companions to be rather furry -- it doesn't imply that I want to have sex with him, not by a long shot.

"Holy cow! Look at those teeth! He must eat you out of house and home!" they sometimes say.

"Just a couple of jerks a week," I usually reply.

I'm starting to think I've got this whole process backwards. Maybe if I find a date for my dog, Plenty, her owner might be just the one for me.

Maybe SexyAds could consider opening another site for this purpose, something like: Dog2dog.com. I can just see the ad now:

"WELL-ENDOWED GREAT PYRENEES seeks long-legged, compatible purebreds for hot, lucrative breeding." might work – until I get him fixed next month, that is. After that, I could just send photos of his phallus to all kinds of available females (it wouldn't really matter what their ads say, of course,) along with a message saying: 

"WELL-ENDOWED GREAT PYRENEES – seeks safe sex with a hot little bitch who's got a plethora of pheromones parked between her protruding pretties, must like to be licked and sniffed but doesn't need puppies to prove the point."

So, if you see the above ad sometime soon at a Doggie Dating Web site near you, don't respond unless you're packing the right pooch. But if you are, you never know. We could be living the dog's life in no time at all.

You can write to Sonja at sonjakatz@sexyads.com if you're a SexyAds member!