| Two
Minute Warning!
By
Sonja Katz
I may be in need of an activity planner, and it's all Dr. Phil's fault.
I recently looked at a chart I'd heard about on his Web site. It explains the disparity between the sexes for the amount of time it takes from initial idea about having sex, to completion of orgasm. Sadly, it confirmed what men have been demonstrating all my life: They not only don't take nearly as long as women do, they are also, for the most part, completely clueless.
Just before leaving my boyfriend's house the other night to go to a business appointment, he started playing with my nipples. This is a pattern with him, to start something that we cannot possibly finish before I have to get in my car and go.
"Why the hell does he always have to do that," I always wonder while trying to extricate myself without being completely obvious about my annoyance level.
The usual exit ceremony is about as tactful as shoving a clawing cat off of my lap, but I can't help it. Why on earth would he want to start something when he knows I have to leave in five minutes?
The answer, the chart confirms, is because that's more time than he'll ever need, even on a good day.
We'll be watching a football game in his living room, which is a religious experience to him and a minor diversion for me, and during a commercial break (that he's already half-used up by hitting the bathroom and raiding the refrigerator,) he'll slide his hand under my blouse.
Mama didn't raise no fool. I know as sure as anything, that in approximately four minutes he'll be back to a hypnotic trance, talking only to the television with his own play-by-play. I may as well throw a yellow flag and yell, "Illegal use of the hands!" because before long, he's saying those words every woman wants to hear:
"C'mon, Babes, it'll only take a couple of minutes …" (The two-minute warning suddenly takes on a new meaning.)
And then, he sees the steely look in my eyes.
"But, it doesn't have to," he laughs, nervously. A real comedian, this guy. He wonders why I suddenly have a need to go home and do laundry.
So, as it turns out, according to this chart, he's completely accurate in his assessment: Men take approximately 2.8 minutes from having an idea about sex until their penis goes soft after orgasm. Women, on the other hand, take just over 14 minutes to orgasm.
So, what's the solution here, I wondered? He, in a sudden burst of energy, was full of suggestions as to what he could do in the interim between those time frames.
"I could make my football picks for the next week," he called out as I grabbed my keys and started heading out the door. (His eyes never left the television screen as he planned this foreplay, I noticed.) "That always takes me a lot of time, you know, Babes."
At least something does. I guess I could take some comfort in that.
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2003 Cirious Business - Do not copy or reproduce without
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