We recently received the following letter to Dear Maureen, and thought it better to address the problem in depth separately.

Dear Ms Maureen.... I have a problem, and I do not know what to do.   My partner and I have been inviting men into our lives as a third partner, which we have both enjoyed. It was on an irregular basis, sometimes spanning months before we would invite someone, now it has become a regular thing (as we have placed an add) which I do not mind.  We both receive great enjoyment from this.  At the beginning things were fine. We are both straight.

My partner has expressed interested in having another woman.  At first I told him that I was not interested in another woman for me or him.  I know that this sounds selfish but when we started this we talked about it and I told him that I was not happy about him having another woman. He was happy with this as he told me he enjoyed watching me with other men, however this has changed.

We are heading overseas and will be apart for some 6 months....and we have discussed the thought of us being with other people, through a swingers club, to satisfy both of us in our absence(something that I am not happy about).  However, he is now talking about being with another woman before we go....I have discussed this with him and he left it to me to pick another woman that I would be happy with..this was a disaster as I do not want someone who has a body better than mine...mmmm I know I am insecure...but I thought at least someone who was not 'perfect' I could handle....he looked at pictures on the net and ask me about 2...I said no to both...and then it fell to shit...he thought I was being unreasonable and got agro about it (these woman were a lot slimmer and younger than me) and as he left the decision to me I thought that he was being stubborn....in the end I got fed up and told him that seen as I am not going to be there then he could make the decision and go and have his fun and the sooner we got this over with the better...!! 

The problem is that he has placed his add....and I am in such a bad mood over this, I cannot bring myself to accept him having sex with another woman, I have had sex with other men and he enjoys it so much ....watching me.....but for the life of me I cannot and will not accept him doing the same...HOWEVER, i feel obligated to let him do this as he has invited men into our relationship so therefore it is only  FAIR that I let him have his fun.....but find that I cannot.  If he does go ahead and has his fun then I have decided that I am not going to continue  having a 3rd male partner in our relationship, I have not told him that I am going to close my legs to everyone except him, as I know it will put him in a bad mood,......we are to be married soon (not that that has anything to do with it )...As much as I try to convince myself that there is no difference I find myself getting angry and upset that he is going ahead with this, but my biggest problem is that I am not sure how I will react when he does has 'his  fun', I am scared, really scared, that our relationship will die over this...and this is something that I do not want.  I trust him fully...I know that you will probably laugh about this, but it is not a question of trust...it is something else....something that I cannot explain.  We both have total Trust in each other...I guess I am saying that I do not want to share him...I don’t know,.....I really don’t know what to do.....it hurts so much and all he has done is place his add so far.....~crying softly~

I know that you cannot answer this question but WHY do I feel such anger and betrayal when all he has done is placed an add and his interest..what am I going to be like when he actually does this....????

Thank you for listening to me…albany (not my real name)

Hi, Albany,

No-one should ever feel that they have to go along with anything that they are uncomfortable with.

It may seem to others that you are being selfish, but just because your partner is comfortable seeing you with other men, it doesn’t mean that you need to be accepting of the reverse.

Just because you accepted another man into your relationship with your partner, does not automatically mean that you should have to accept another woman.  Especially if this was discussed before anything started.

It seems to be a bit of - damned if you do, damned if you don’t.  I feel that maybe your partner may not understand your insecurities regarding him having another lady, especially someone that is younger and slimmer than you. 

I do think you need to let your partner know that you are happy enough to give up your “extra” men, if it means him not having any “extra” women.  It may sway him and make him realise just how much he means to you and what you are prepared to give up.

Maybe showing him your letter to us will also show the depth of your emotions regarding this matter - feelings that he may not realise.

Alternatively, you could look at maybe advertising (together as a couple) for another couple.  Perhaps allow your partner to have only so much fun “ with NO penetration” with another lady.  Or maybe you may find that if you are with someone else’s partner, while theirs is with yours, you may not feel so uncomfortable with it.