“Honey, you wanna put that WHERE?”

Adventures in sex toys for the average heterosexual male

             I never thought I’d own something called a “Micro-Tingler,” but, with the proper amount of open-mindedness and lube, even a guy like me can be convinced of the merits of sexual adventurousness.  If your libido is compromised by bouts of “you want to put that where?” and “hey, that tickles” accompanied by giggling and general silliness, sex toys are probably not for you.  Furthermore, I’ve come to the conclusion that sex toys are not the panacea for a sex life that has gotten boring; it takes a good deal of communication, a high level of comfort with one’s partner, and as noted above, a high tolerance for bedroom silliness.  Not many men (or women) could look their lover in the eye with a straight face, as they hold a double-ended, gyrating dildo with a name like “Double Trouble.”  If sex and laughter don’t work for you, go back to missionary position with the lights off.

            If you’re still with me, well, the next hurdle is the whole purchasing process.  Real men buy their sex toys in person.  Seriously tough hombres actually ask for help at the store.  For the rest of you, there’s the online/plain brown wrapper approach, but if you’re too squeamish to actually buy it in person (without one of those funny little mustache-glasses things on), pulling a buzzing pink thing with a name like “Anal Explorer” out in bed is probably not going to have the desired effect.  There’s something about standing in front of an entire wall of realistic penises (with and without straps, lights, and other accessories) that are larger than those sported by most barnyard animals, that changes a man.  Of course, the adult toy store is not for everyone, like the guy I startled as he browsed the penis pumps, on the wall just down from the glow in the dark vibrating cock rings; he promptly left without his pump.  He seemed to think that no one else was in the store.  I’d kill to bump into THAT guy on the elevator at work one morning.

            Seriously, though, the people that are self-confident enough to make such purchases in person, and even ask for help, are more likely to get past the whole “look what I bought today, honey” stage.  Actually going to the store is a quick test of one’s resolve to actually try the whole toy thing.  Once you get to the store, act like you mean to be there, and note all the other men in there trying to look like they don’t know how they got in there.  You may want to start out relatively conservatively, unless you have discussed this with your intended victim, er, mate (HIGHLY recommended).  Buy something that you’re BOTH not going to be intimidated by, and try to find something that you already have some idea as to what you’ll do with it.  It’s going to be awkward enough, standing there naked with something in your hand pulsating like it’s alive, without having some sort of idea as to what you plan to do with it.  And buy lube.  I’m not going to plug any particular lubrication product over another, but get the stuff that is latex safe, and get something that cleans up relatively easily, and, from a trusted source, a little bit goes a long way.  And unless she’s ten feet tall, don’t buy something that you could scratch her spleen with; if you puncture something vital, it’s going to be a long night of awkward explanations in the emergency room, if she doesn’t kill you with it first.

            So you’ve endured your trip to the toy store, and maybe even found someone there to help you make your purchase.  As a practical matter, in bed, immediately prior to use, is a bad time to fight with the packaging and try to figure out which way to put the batteries in (and do buy the batteries you forgot to get at the toy store on the way home), so a little preparation is in order.  And she’s liable to appreciate you washing it first.  Do not wield your new purchase like a weapon, and lube it up and assault her with it immediately.  Having lube on hand does not replace a little patience in working up to it; this is even more critical if the first time you have discussed sex toys is when you pulled it out of the bedside table.  Work it into your foreplay, and don’t be afraid to do just that, PLAY.  Special note:  if she’s ticklish, set the vibration LOW at first, and for heaven’s sake, warm it up first, as being rammed with a cold slimy object is NOT kinky, it’s just uncomfortable.  She’s going to look at you funny, and probably giggle, especially when your hand slips, setting the vibration on HIGH and making it sound like a possessed kitchen appliance. 

Incorporate your new acquisition into your foreplay, and relax.  Allow it to be fun, and don’t let the awkwardness of the moment deter you; a true measure of your sexual prowess is to be able to “keep it up” in the face of a wildly giggling partner.  I’ll leave it to you to figure out what to do with it from there, if you’ve made it this far, you’ll probably manage fine.