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Sex
Addicts
By WiseWoman
There is all kinds of sex these days that has
permeated our lives.
There's cyber sex, phone sex, BDSM sex, same-gender sex,
bi-sex, tri-sex, one-on-one sex, self-sex, alternative sex,
emotional sex, recreational sex,
premarital sex, extramarital sex,
oral sex, polyamorous sex, swinging group sex, and god knows
what other type of sex I might have left out.
The "energy" exchanged between two
people during the sex act
is something that most of us adult humans cannot duplicate
in any other activity known to man. In most cases, during
one-on-one sex, each holds the attention of the other person
so completely and utterly that we give something of ourselves
and get something in return that is unmatched in other
venues of exchange.
Not to mention
that the product of such a
sweet exchange is the incredible orgasm that is attained
when being stimulated by someone other than oneself,
and is exponentially more satisfying. This magical "energy"
is so potent, so excruciatingly powerful, that it is hopelessly
addicting. It has got to be the number one most sought
after feeling that anyone has ever known, once experienced.
In my opinion, it is NOT solely the orgasm
that ultimately makes this
feeling so sought after. Most of us can do that
on our own, but it is the heightened sensations of all of
our 5 senses that makes this
interchange so unique. Touch, taste,
smell, vision and auditory awareness are at their peak when
one is engaging in the act of sex. And if one is emotionally
involved with one's partner, even more senses come
into play.
So is it any
wonder that a majority of adult humans
profess themselves to being sex addicts?
There are
different levels of satisfaction we know, and many - if not
all - people experience good and bad emotions connected
with the act of sex. But one thing for sure is that once
one has exchanged this energy, the desire to relive it is
as primal and necessary as is the
need for food and water.
It is
not biologically needed as water and food is, but spiritually
and mentally the drive to
have sex, or the feeling one gets from sharing this particular
energy, is very very necessary for good health and well-being
for many adult humans.
I say
"many" because there
are millions of women who suffer from lack of a sex drive
after hormonal changes occur. And there are many men whose
desires dry up due to a plethora
of factors.
But, in general,
adults from the ages of around 18
til death, hold sex in very high
regard concerning the happiness of their being.
Does this mean we are sex addicts if we want
that feeling all the time?
Does this mean that we are perverted if we think about
having sex 24/7? Or are we only sex addicts if we actually
go get anyone who is willing to have sex with us, whether
we know them or not?
The Internet has
literally brought sex to
our fingertips. Not just the XXX sites, but also the
ability to chat with someone who also might be seeking sex.
Does this easy access
afford us more ability to feed our addiction?
I think the
online sex (cybering) and phone sex is more for gaining
orgasm with help from a muse and
is jokingly being called another
form of "safe sex." To me, it's more like glorified
masturbation without having to be
alone; to imagine and fantasize
all by one's self in order to achieve that almighty orgasm.
This is a whole
different dynamic and doesn't apply to
the feeling of euphoria I am talking about, that many of us
seek while having an exchange with
another person, in person,
skin-on-skin.
Anyone can have a
self-assisted orgasm, but
most have to have a partner for the experience to be fulfilling
to them. They don't even have to know the person with
whom they are sharing this energy. In many cases, no emotional
connection is even considered as a prerequisite. They
simply want to exchange sexual energy with a willing participant,
as often as possible, for as long as possible.
Recreational sex addiction is now becoming a
common phenomenon because
the internet has brought us closer together and has given
us new tools to find what we are seeking as often and with
more success than ever before.
Being online for over 12 years, and being on
these personal sites, has
brought me to the reality that many committed men and
women (married or attached) still seek sex outside of their
relationship, even though they have a partner at home to
have unlimited amounts of sex with.
I have heard them
say that their partners no
longer share this energy with them as often
as they need, so they feel moved to seek it other places.
If they have a partner at home, does this make them sex
addicts, based upon the fact that they are craving something
they no longer have instantly available to them? And
if they do find a willing party, does this mean they more
of a "true" sex addict
than the married person who has lots of good
sex with their partner?
What is true
sexual addiction?
Sex addiction can involve a wide variety of
practices. Sometimes an
addict has trouble with just one type of behavior,
sometimes with many. A large number of sex addicts
say their use of sex has been a progressive process.
It may have started with an addiction to masturbation,
pornography (either printed or electronic), or in a relationship,
but over the years progressed to increasingly dangerous
behaviors.
The essence of all addiction is the addicts'
experience of powerlessness
over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives
becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and
experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing.
The addict may wish to stop --- yet repeatedly
fails to do so. The
unmanageability of addicts' lives can be seen in the consequences
they suffer: losing relationships, difficulties with work,
arrests, financial troubles, a loss of interest in things
not sexual, low self-esteem and
despair.
Sexual
preoccupation takes up tremendous amounts of energy. As this
increases for the sex addict, a pattern of behavior follows,
which usually leads to acting out (flirting, surfing the net
for pornography, or visiting clubs and bars).
When the acting
out happens, there is a denial
of feelings usually followed by despair and shame or a feeling
of hopelessness and confusion.
A Useful Tool
for Self-Assessment
Answer these twelve questions to assess
whether you may have a
problem with sexual addiction.
1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual or
romantic activities from
those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
2. Have your needs driven you to have sex in
places or situations or
with people you would not normally choose?
3. Do you find yourself looking for sexually
arousing articles or scenes
in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
4. Do you find that romantic or sexual
fantasies interfere with your
relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?
5. Do you frequently want to get away from a
sex partner after having
sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt
after a sexual encounter?
6. Do you feel shame about your body or your
sexuality, such that you
avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships?
Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that
you are asexual?
7. Does each new relationship continue to have
the same destructive
patterns, which prompted you to leave the last relationship?
8. Is it taking more variety and frequency of
sexual and romantic
activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement
and relief?
9. Have you ever been arrested or are you in
danger of being arrested
because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism,
prostitution, indecent phone
calls, etc.?
10. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic
relationships interfere
with your spiritual beliefs or development?
11. Do your sexual activities include the
risk, threat, or reality of
disease, pregnancy, coercion or violence?
12. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever
left you feeling hopeless,
alienated from others, or suicidal?
If you answered yes to more than one of these
questions, it is possible
that you are a true sex addict and need help with your
behavior.
© 2003 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.
Personal note to those who have graciously taken the time to
respond to my ad and previous articles..THANK YOU
SO MUCH. It
is a great pleasure to hear from all of you.
<smile>
WiseWoman's
Previous Three Articles:
Open
Relationships Without Jealousy
Giving
The Ultimate Blow Job
Magic
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