Open
Relationships
Without Jealousy.
by WiseWoman
Many (not ALL) of Americans in a committed relationship today, suffer from
"lack of sexual nourishment" at home and are seeking
"non-emotional" sex outside of their committed relationships. I say
"many" because being online for at least a decade, I have experienced
a never ending plethora of married (or otherwise committed) people claiming to
be sexually undernourished in their committed relationship, but no longer
willing to go without sex to maintain the moral standard expected. Some are
becoming swingers or are trying polyamorous situations, others are sneaking
behind their partner's back, and others are suffering silently maintaining or
trying desperately to maintain monogamy. Emotionally healthy open individuals
and couples are now deciding that in order to stay together for a long-term
relationship, having an "open" marriage or relationship is the answer
for success.
There are two distinct types of sex today. These are "emotional
sex" and "recreational sex." Emotional sex is what one has
with a "heart connected" person. Your emotions are completely
involved and you have made some kind of love commitment with this person. It is
sacred between the two of you and you have given your heart to that person for
safekeeping. Sex with this person is usually very passionate, mind-boggling and
completely satisfying. "Making love "encompasses the WHOLE
person, body, mind and spirit and is something that most of us want with our
chosen mates on an ongoing basis.
Recreational sex is as it sounds, non-emotional and simply taking care of human
needs just like sleeping, eating, needing water etc. Most adult humans have an
ongoing need for sex but not all want any emotional commitment connected to it.
The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships
is jealousy. Despite how enlightened we think we are, most of us experience
jealousy if our spouse or lover has a sexual relationship with someone else.
Jealousy has nothing to do with the other person. Jealousy is a result of
insecurity. As Kathy Labriola points out in one of her articles about jealousy,
it is crucial to understand what jealousy is and what it is about. Jealousy is
about fear--fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing power or control
in a relationship, fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of abandonment. It is
a reflection of our own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety about being
adequate as a lover, and doubts about our desirability. When you feel jealous,
ask yourself, "What is it that I am really afraid of? What do I need to
make this situation safe for me?" "What is the worst thing that could
happen and how likely is that to happen?"
No one outside of yourself can give you self-confidence. Only through hard
personal growth work and self-evaluation can one be whole enough to gain TRUE
self-esteem. True self-esteem cannot be altered by others' input or judgments.
Why? Because only you know who you are and it doesn't change when another's
opinion of you is different. It is only THEIR opinion based upon their
experiences and has little or no worth to your own sense of self. One who
constantly needs validation of self-worth from outside sources (ego stroking)
continually finds that others perceptions can change with a mere thought,
thereby, negating any aforementioned validation. This renders it valueless and
we soon learn how fickle others can be. An emotionally close relationship with
a mate without jealousy is only achieved through both people's willingness to
relinquish the "ownership" dynamic so prevalent in many unions today.
If you ONLY feel "emotionally healthy" when your honey is loving you,
you are in for a serious shock! You are depending upon an outside source of (as
already established) "false worth."
Jealousy is about YOU and your feelings of insecurity, your lack of
self-confidence, your feelings of inferiority. It has nothing to do with the
other person. What it says is that YOU feel that you are not good enough for
your mate and that (s)he can find someone better for him or her than you are. A
partner of someone, who is jealous, will quickly lose respect for the jealous
one and will indeed find someone who is better because, ultimately, we all need
to be with someone we hold in high regard. Jealousy tears down respect and
dissolves any hope of maintaining a healthy mutually respectful union between
two people. It is not the other persons' job to continually bolster your
self-image. That has to come from a strong sense of self-worth from within you.
Most jealousy stems from 3 core beliefs.
Core belief #1) If my partner really loved me, (s)he wouldn't have any desire
for a sexual relationship with anyone else.
This belief sees any interest your partner has in anyone else as a direct
reflection of how much (s)he loves you. It's a quantitative view of love which
equates the amount of love with the ability to be interested in having another
partner. When you break it down, this is as absurd as saying that a couple that
gives birth to a second child must not love their first child or they couldn't
possibly have any interest in having a second one.
Core belief #2) If my partner were happy with me, and if I were a good
partner/spouse/lover/etc., my partner would be so satisfied that (s)he wouldn't
want to have sex with anyone else.
This belief is even more insidious. With the first belief you can at least
blame it on your partner for not loving you enough. This belief says that if
your partner is interested in someone else, it's your fault for not being the
perfect lover or spouse and your relationship must be a failure. If you truly
believe that your lover could only be interested in another partner because
you're inadequate, you can see how that will generate jealousy big time!
Core belief #3) It's just not possible to love more than one person at the same
time.
This belief is built on the "scarcity economy of love," the belief
that love is a finite resource, there is only so much to go around, and there
is never enough. Therefore, if my partner gives any of her or his love to
anyone else, that necessarily means that there's less for me. Because most
people already feel there are some areas in their relationship where they are
not getting enough of something (time, love, affection, sex, support,
commitment) they are fearful that they will receive even less if their partner
gets involved with additional partners.
Because each of these beliefs is connected to a very primal fear, they take
time and effort to overcome. The first belief expresses a deep fear that you
are not loved and will be abandoned. The second taps into our insecurities and
the fear that we are not adequate or deserving of love, and the third is a fear
of deprivation and being starved for love and attention. So have compassion for
yourself and your partner as you work with these beliefs and gradually replace
them with beliefs that support your desire to embrace open relationships.
Reprogram your thought process with these new beliefs and see how they feel to
you.
New core belief #1) My partner is so in tune with me that (s)he trusts our
relationship to expand and be enriched by experiencing recreational sex from
others.
New core belief #2) My relationship is so solid and trusting that we can
experience recreational sex freely. My partner is so satisfied with our
relationship that having other sex partners together will not threaten the bond
we enjoy.
New core belief #3) There is an abundance of love in the world and there is
plenty for everyone. Loving more than one person is a choice that can
exponentially expand my potential for giving and receiving love.
As we shift our thought process from old to new, evolving, healing and
expanding our beliefs, we soon realize the importance of dissolving these old
beliefs if we ever hope to enjoy sexually "open" relationships free
of jealousy, and maintain the emotional integrity to remain with our chosen
mate for life!
So you read up on WiseWoman articles and find out that there is a solution for
every human condition and smile, relax and dig deep to find out how to achieve
a win-win situation that is ALWAYS an option!!! <giggle> A wise option
might just be that you learn the difference between "emotional sex"
and "recreational sex" and take your mate to a swing party, enjoying
the social and recreational aspects for yourselves.
If my mate is going to have sex with others and is ok with me doing the same,
it is important to me that we do it together as a couple. After creating a
close bond and solid foundation of love for each other, sharing recreational
sex with others is far less of a threat. If you start out with ONLY doing this
with committed couples, the threat is even more diminished. Sex with others
with your significant other present, is definitely a growth process. To be able
to allow your mate to enjoy the variety and fun, takes a lot of SELF-ASSURANCE.
You not only have to love the other person enough to be able to share this
experience with them, but you have to love yourself enough to know that you are
your mates perfect mate and no one else has what you have for him/her. You also
have to realize that sex as a recreation is nothing different than dining out
with another couple, going to a movie, sharing time and energy. If
swinging/polyamory/open marriage, etc., is the solution that you and your mate
have chosen, realize you will be getting variety while having your
"chosen" one to love and cherish and hold dear at the same time. What
could be nicer??? Perhaps when the two of you are alone in bed, you can
"make love" again, with all the passion you had at the beginning.
To me, this would be the perfect relationship.
"Love is when you are more concerned with the well being, safety and
happiness of someone else than your own."
© 2003 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.
Personal note to those who have graciously taken the time to respond to my ad and previous articles:THANK YOU SO MUCH. It is a great pleasure to hear from all of you. <smile>
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