|
 Bi
Chance?
(a two-part series)
Part
I: Understanding Bisexuality in our Society
By WiseWoman
The stigma
about being “bi” is ever present. If we examine the theoretical
underpinnings of gender perceptions that are tied to sexuality,
we find inconsistencies, double standards and engrained cultural
beliefs.
Women are typically more affectionate than men. Holding hands,
overt displays of public physical touching and hugging are more
accepted without judgment woman-to-woman than they are
man-to-man. These types of behaviors from women are not as
likely to elicit comments from observers as they would from
men.
Same gender contact among males is historically discouraged and
could be noted as one of the more insidious cultural taboos in
our modern society. Males are raised to suppress emotions (“if
you cry you’re a sissy”), be tough (“no pain, no gain”) and
maintain a modicum of “manliness” in every life situation. The
question is: is this natural? And why is it so different for
women?
When asked if a man or woman has ever had any type of sexual
experience with their same gender any time in their lives, a
vast majority of people will admit that around the age of
puberty, they had had such clandestine occurrences. Curiosity at
that age was acted upon. Why then, is it rendered as “taboo”
when it is a “natural human” behavior?
Is it any wonder so many men are “homophobic?” If a man’s
deep-seated self-conception is based on society’s belief that he
might be considered “gay” if he shows emotion or affection, is
it a surprise that by the age of 40 many males develop dual
identities? One being the “normal straight” hubby at home, the
other being the “bi-curious” male when he can fit it into his
game plan.
I can’t tell you how many hundreds of times I have been asked to
be present during a male-to-male experience with men who want to
explore this side of their psyches. In their minds, they felt
that if a woman was not present, it might mean that they were
“gay or bi.” These otherwise “straight” males desperately want
to suck or be sucked by another man, just to see how it feels.
Their biggest fear, however, is that this will mean they are no
longer straight, which shatters their lifelong self-concept.
Frankly gentlemen, a lot of women will admit that watching two
men sucking each other is a BIG turn on. Similarly for men,
watching two women eat each other is practically every man’s
fantasy. But some of the most homophobic men are those who enjoy
watching women together. This double standard is irrational
since there is no justification for this perception other than
some arbitrary social standards for what is “right” which has
little or no basis. In other words, why is it okay for one
gender and not for the other?
Women, on the other hand, have considerably less “ego” about
this. Although some “bi” women tell me that to have sex with
another woman is an absolutely wonderful and fulfilling
experience, they also tell me that “one has to have a natural
propensity for such. If you find that you are leering at women’s
butts the same way you are looking at men’s butts or if you have
fantasies about ‘same-sex’ experiences, you are probably a
“natural” for being bi” (male or female). If not, it might be
that you are simply straight in your naturalness and the whole
idea turns you off.
Women certainly have no emotional hang-ups linked to this
behavior as men do. We are not worried that we will be
considered “less womanly” if we engage in sex with our own
gender. Sadly, this double standard is reserved for men alone.
Let’s face it; sexual energy is sexual energy. If you are in a
situation where everyone present is sensually charged and having
fun, going with the flow, giving pleasure, receiving pleasure
and allowing the energy to take you on an ecstatic ride, are you
going to pull out because of some societal belief that you are
bi? I think not.
After attending several “Sex, Love and Intimacy” workshops
facilitated by the Human Awareness Institute in California, I
learned that when people have healed their preconceived notions
about their own sexuality, they no longer cling to the need to
define themselves as “straight” to be okay. If a person enjoys
sexual energy, experiencing pleasure and feels personally
powerful, defining and therefore limiting one’s sexual
orientation is no longer imperative.
Being “open-minded” sexually brings with it an innovative
perspective as well as broadens your opportunity base to
experience sex in a new light. Imagine a world where “judgments”
about sexual behaviors cease to exist. Would you be more
fulfilled? Would you do things that you otherwise would never
have considered? If you knew that no one really cared whether
you were straight or bi or gay, would you then be able to fully
explore your sexuality? What a concept!
So how does one go about breaking down the barriers to become
“sexually open?” First and foremost, get “in truth” with
yourself. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you define your
“okay-ness” by your sexual orientation?
2. Do you need to have others’
approval to be intrinsically okay?
3. Do you REALLY think if people
judge you one way, this undermines your own “truth” about who
you really are?
4. Do you believe that if you
have feelings or even fantasies about experiencing sex with the
same gender you are “perverted” or gay?
If you answered
“yes” to any or all of these questions, I guarantee you are
woefully unfulfilled, not only in your sex life, but in your
entire life-experience.
Secondly, know that you are like millions of others who get to a
point in their lives when they ask themselves “Is this all there
is?” Asking this question is usually a turning point and sets in
motion a myriad of cues that motivate an individual to “take
action” to evolve their thinking. In many cases, one’s sex life
is the area where the question most often manifests this
dilemma. Because so many people value sex so highly and use it
as their ultimate form of feeling “self-love,” sexual problems
may arise that usually correlate to our whole life situation.
Take a barometer reading on your “true” feelings and pinpoint
where in your mind, you are acquiescing to societal pressures
about your sexuality. Then determine the level of importance
this holds for you at this time in your life. You might just
“free” your psyche by making it “okay” to take the appropriate
actions that feel “right” to YOU.
©2004 TamiFox. All rights reserved. <Personal note to
those who have graciously taken the time to respond to my ad and previous articles>..THANK YOU SO MUCH.
It
is a great pleasure to hear from all of you. <smile>
WiseWoman's
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