Online Love
By
WiseWoman
Falling in love online can be as completely emotionally real as
falling in love in real time. It seems utterly silly to think
that we can give our hearts to someone we have never even met in
person, and yet, it happens a million times a day on the
internet.
When new to the internet, most are innocent people who venture
into chat rooms or instant messages, with hopes of finding some
stimulation for an hour or two, but when they get into chatting,
they are possessed by a current and dragged down a river of
virtual sensations that completely sweep them away. They are
surprised when they notice the time and hours and hours have
passed. And in not too long a time, they are addicted.
The human is such a gregarious being, that most of us crave deep
emotional attention but haven’t figured out how to get it and
keep hold of it in real time. Now, with this outlet for our
psyches to feed and get nourishment, we are finding that our
addiction is easy to justify and chalked off to the techno
onslaught and being able to keep up with it. Even if we are not
in love with anyone in particular online, we are in love with
being online, knowing that we can get our fix, whenever we want
it. Most of us have learned that when one online romance ends,
our heart is severely broken, but miraculously we heal because
another arises on the horizon in virtually no time flat….LOL.
Why is it so abundantly easy to fall in love online and what are
the long-term results of such a development?
As we all know and have experienced, the Internet has given us a
whole new way of life. The age of this new and ever-evolving
technology has changed dating in a BIG way. Never again will
people who have access to a computer, be lonely and ignored,
even if they are shut-ins. They just have to turn on the pc, and
whamo, the world is at their fingertips.
Once one has been online for a short amount of time, one
realizes the intricacies of ”chatting.” Chatting is a dialect
that has emerged from communicating on this venue, no matter
what language it is done in. There are all kinds of hidden
nuances of this form of communicating. A well-seasoned “chatter”
can create and project any mood, any emotion, any feeling
imaginable, with the combination of several different “cyber
graphics,” “emoticons,” (the little smiley face icons), words,
keyboard symbols (@#^*((( ))) !~), and acronyms (LMAO, LOL etc).
Chatting one on one in instant messages, is one of the ways to
get to know a person, very personally. Something magical happens
during this type of communication that seems to be unique to
this venue. Especially if you are speaking to someone who is a
romantic interest, it seems like you have a more direct
connection to his/her psyche. How many times have I sensed the
answer to a question or virtually read their mind? It seems to
happen at an uncanny rate when in an instant message. Is it the
electrical energy that is freely flowing from their pc to yours?
If this online connection does something to our powers of
exchanging thought, does this mean that we are developing a NEW
sensory perception that has been latent in us but now coming to
life?
Somehow, this new sense dominates our powers of perception and
creates feelings, deep feelings, for some of the people we
connect with online. Since we only have the written word and no
other obvious audio or visual cues to clue us in on the chatters
personality, we have to go on what we read, assimilate the
meaning, and somehow imagine the person who is at the other end
typing these words. We have to, in our minds eye, create a real
person who we have no other information about except for what
they have told us. We cannot see how they dress, how they
maintain their weight, personal hygiene, how they laugh or
smile, what their voice is like, what kind of car they drive or
if they have a nervous twitch or have all their limbs. We simply
have their written word. Most of us believe the other person to
be telling us the truth, and because they are giving us what
seems to be a unique look into their psyche, we develop a
kindred ness with them that is very special. This dynamic is
what makes us able to fall in love online so easily.
Most humans are basically the same. We want the opportunity to
love someone, and have our love reciprocated. How we go about
achieving that goal is what differs for each of us. So when we
chat in instant messages or in chat rooms, we extend a part of
our selves that may not normally be revealed in a person to
person or “real life” scenario. Since we have no outside cues or
distractions, it makes it easy for us to be totally honest,
because we have nothing to lose by being so. In so doing, the
connection between parties escalates at a rapid rate. The safety
of extending ones emotional self across the cyber field seems to
be almost unavoidable as well as incredibly fulfilling. The down
side to this is that you might find yourself creating a fantasy
of the person, which is totally unrealistic. This is generally
what happens. Since there is no visual input for the mind’s eye
to focus on, the brain has to assimilate the info, the input,
and the sensory exchanges, and make enough sense of it to
justify the feelings being felt.
There are a few “tools” that help us make further
determinations. We might have a picture of the person, we might
have heard the person’s voice on the phone, and we might have
even be able to see them on video web camera, which overrides
some of the data. If the intent is to actually “meet” this
person for a date, it is important for our brain to collect as
much data as it can in order for us to actually feel safe enough
to meet face to face. BUT, and this is a big BUT, sadly many
people never have any intention of ever venturing outside the
confines of their safe little homes, in order to actually meet
face to face. They are finding themselves making deep rooted
connections with people online, and are getting themselves into
trouble by either falling in love (without the capability to
take appropriate action) or they are causing others to fall in
love with them (thereby, breaking hearts, right, left and center
when it has evolved to the “meeting” stage and one party has no
intention of doing so). Sound familiar??
Pointers for protecting yourself in case of this happening to
you:
1) Find out right up front if the person is seeking a real time
relationship, or simply wants a virtual one. Many are simply
filling time and have no intention on ever leaving the comfort
of their own homes to meet you, no matter how close you feel
you’ve become.
2) If you are considering
meeting the person in person, make sure you clearly state this
disclaimer: If, when we meet, one of us is NOT attracted, it
must be made known, and all aforementioned plans or activities
discussed are null and void.
3) Realize that people confide
in you way more readily online, because they know they will
never meet you, see you or otherwise find your knowledge of
their secrets as any kind of a threat to them.
4) If you have met someone and
you have both fallen in love online, realize that true love
cannot truly be established until you find out whether you are
in love in real time. Energy from online may not necessarily
transfer, so be realistic, and save your self a lot of
heartache. And don’t fall into the trap of saying “I love you”
online if you haven’t met yet.
5) Realize that you are probably
guilty of creating a “super” mate in your mind and that meeting
with expectations is one of the major things that cause
problems. If you go in totally open minded, with NO
expectations, you can’t possibly be disappointed.
6) Lastly, don’t think that just
because you fell once and failed, that every time will be the
same. Keep trying, be REAL, and some day, you might find a
keeper!!! <Smile>.
©2003 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.
<Personal note to those who have graciously taken the time to
respond to my ad and previous article…..THANK YOU SO MUCH. It is
a great pleasure to hear from all of you. <smile>
WiseWoman's
Previous Three Articles:
The Value of Chemistry
Male Menopause and
Midlife Crisis Open
Relationships Without Jealousy
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WiseWoman
covers a wide variety of issues for SA Gazette and, as her
title suggests, delivers some powerful advice on how to
maximize your success with online dating.
