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The
Value of Chemistry
By WiseWoman
Main Entry: chem·is·try
Pronunciation: 'ke-m&-strE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -tries
Date: 1646
1 : a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy <they have a
special chemistry>
Are you questioning the validity of chemistry and it's value to your
next potential relationship? Do you believe that you cannot have a
successful long term, physical/sexual/emotional relationship with a
person with whom you have NO chemistry?
Well a lot of us are
asking these questions, and we want to know what it is about this dynamic that is so incredibly
powerful and important to our achieving what we wish to achieve,
with our personal ads that might attract the love of our life!
As we all know, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you finally find
your prince(ss) especially with online dating as your ticket to the vast
and never ending supply of opportunities. Online dating makes this
abundantly clear, as we pick through the personal ads, trying our
best to weed out what options are available to us from this venue.
But one of the things that make many successful in their abilities to
reach out and grab someone to actually take the action to respond,
is chemistry. While you might feel a strong synergy while reading
the words the person has written, the bottom line to knowing if you
are romantically cohesive all boils down to meeting face to face, and
experiencing the energetic attraction you have or not.
We usually know within seconds of meeting someone, if we are
romantically and/or sexually attracted. Personally, I can't be romantically
involved with someone with whom my energy is not in sync The initial person-to-person contact is what generates this chemistry (no
matter what has transpired beforehand) and is what propels us to or
repels us from wanting to share more time with this person, to see if
we might have what it takes to progress into some sort of romance.
It doesn't seem to matter that they meet all the criteria we set out to
find, if we don't have that magical connection. How many times
have you heard, "We just don't have any chemistry." Often, it only
works one way, where the man is attracted but the woman is not or
vice versa. What is it about chemistry that is so illusive? And, we all know, it has nothing whatsoever to do with good looks, material well-being, or many of the other things that we state in our ads that are
minimum requirements to attract Mr. or Ms. Right!
We each have a certain "look" that we are naturally attracted to;
certain race(s), age group(s), body size(s) or hair color(s). Many
times if the person does not fall within these perimeters, it simply
doesn't matter how wonderful they are, how rich they are, how talented they are, or what size appendages they have. If they don't
pass the acid test of chemical attraction, they are rejected
altogether.
And there are so many other factors involved that could make or break the deal. What if he wears an aftershave or cologne
that reminds you of someone in the past that you were hurt by, or
what if she has an obnoxious laugh that embarrasses you, or what if
they have a nervous twitch or looks at every backside that meanders
by? All of these things can be a factor, when we determine our basic
attraction. There is no one thing that we can pinpoint when we have
made our determination.
But for me, going with my initial gut instinct
is usually the winning result.
So what do you do if you find a person who, for all intents and
purposes, matches all of your criteria, but you don't feel the
chemistry with? Well, I don't think there is anything you can do
except move on to the next. If you don't find someone who triggers
that brain chemical in you that makes you feel "special" when you
think of them, or are with them, what is the point?
I think that, in the
long run, your initial instincts about this person not being a
match, was the best gift the universe could give you. So if someone has
rejected you because of lack of chemistry, thank the gods for this,
because it's a clue that they weren't meant for you!
Too many times we create in our minds, a scenario of perfection
before we even meet face to face. Chatting online, perhaps on the phone, or seeing
them on a web cam helps to bring things into perspective but as I
have mentioned in my other articles, this "nebulous zone" as I have
called it, gets us into serious trouble, not to mention the pain caused
to the other person when after meeting, there is no chemistry, and
we have to back peddle, lie or otherwise get out of what we thought
was going to be a torrid romance.
We must offer a disclaimer saying
that our meeting in person is to be the determining factor, so that we
offer an "out," in case the chemistry just isn't condusive.
The flip side of this chemistry thing is also an enigma to me. Just
because you find someone with chemistry, does not mean that you
two can live out a long-term relationship in harmony and
bliss! Those people on the personal ads sites who have experienced one or
more failed relationships, and are hopefully seeking their
last
hurrah, are well aware of this "chemistry" dynamic.
You know that for
sure and for certain you had wonderful chemistry with each and
every person you have given your heart to in the past, but now you
might be wondering how important having chemistry actually is. How
long into the relationship does the chemistry factor remain criteria for
maintaining the romance?
I offer a solution to this query. I think chemistry is indeed a gauge for
our psyches to give us the signal we need, in our hearts, to go
forward with this person if all the other criteria comes close to being
met, as we need it to do. I don't think that we can have a heart-connected romance with a person with whom we have no chemistry.
I don't think we can allow ourselves to get emotionally involved with
someone who is not energetically symbiotic. Whereas we can engage
in non-emotional physical sexual relationships without chemistry
involved, I think emotional sex requires chemistry.
I further suggest
that, once we have made the choice to love the person, we can
embellish this. The brain produces chemicals, which have a lot of
clinical names, but mean that we "feel" a certain way when something happens to us. When you are attuned to another
person's energy chemically, your brain emits a chemical like
serotonin, which boosts your feeling of well being. When you find someone who can
produce this feeling in you, you positively glow with joy.
If you can see chemistry as a gauge to help you determine whether
to give your heart, and then maintain awareness of it as you gasp in
delight when you think about your chosen one, realizing that it brings
a smile to your face, and a stirring in your groin, you will appreciate
the power and necessity of chemistry as being a very valuable dynamic to determining and maintaining the success of your
romantic well being.
© 2003 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.
Personal note to those who have graciously taken the time to
respond to my ad and previous articles..THANK YOU
SO MUCH. It
is a great pleasure to hear from all of you.
<smile>
WiseWoman's
Previous Three Articles:
Sex
Addicts
Open
Relationships Without Jealousy
Giving
The Ultimate Blow Job
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WiseWoman
covers a wide variety of issues for SA Gazette and, as her
title suggests, delivers some powerful advice on how to
maximize your success with online dating.
