By WiseWoman 

The First Date 

After reading many ads and writing many prize-winning responses, getting the actual date to meet is one of the seemingly biggest challenges on a personal ad site. People can’t help but to go on their past experiences and if they have had bad ones, they assume all future ones will reflect the past. THAT is the biggest mistake anyone can assume here. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have arranged a time and place, and have been stood up, but do I quit??? NO!!! Their loss! Each and every experience, person and opportunity is going to be different, no matter how many times the same thing has happened. 

SO, one of the secrets to success is to go about each person as if you had faith that the next one is going to be a better experience!! Remember, you have done A LOT of work to get here. You have taken the chance to put your profile on the site. You have (hopefully) written an ad, which I know took a lot of courage. You have stated your wants and desires (even if all you did was check the little boxes), and you have probably sent or posted your picture for all to see. You have diligently paid your money, and have spent an enormous amount of time to read through the masses of ads. You have scoured the choices, and have written your most charming response (if you’re smart) to those ads you liked, you have risked rejection probably more times than you are willing to admit (and probably GOT rejected a time or two), AND you have possibly lowered your expectations JUST on the off chance that you might not have to spend another Friday night home alone. <sigh> So the big pay off is the date. 

Make it a success story!! We are all "products" of the environment of all of our past experiences with the opposite sex. For better or for worse…..

The Phone Call

So now, you have reached the point of snagging a DATE!! Before I even consider going on a date, the gentleman must pass a myriad of tests. He must have met all the criteria I set out to find. It is after that has been achieved that I will give him my phone number. Before I make a date, I like to talk to the gentleman on the phone first. I have a cell phone for this because, god knows, my computer is using my landline much of the time and no one could ever get through! <giggle>. 

You can tell a lot on the phone as to whether you are interested enough to actually meet. We have usually discussed what each other likes sexually in instant messages or emails so I don’t like to “go there” on the phone. Besides, we may never get to the sex so I like to save that for spontaneity. 

The times I have promised sex before the actual meeting face to face, I have been agonizingly sorry. If you do talk about sex either before the phone call or during it, one thing that is very important to talk about is SAFE sex. If it is never brought up as to how safe you have been or how clean you are, it’s a good indication that safe sex is not practiced.

I usually want to meet someone right away if I have already discerned that he is a possible candidate for me to spend time with. I do not have time to write droves of emails back and forth and/or chat in instant messages for days and weeks. If he is close enough to come meet me for a drink, I say let’s get on with it. 

Many like to take their time and “get to know” a person online, but in my experience, it’s a waste of time. For me, talk is cheap and I like ACTION!! I am a “take action” person and just don’t like wasting precious time, especially if we “click.” Just think of all that good nookie we’d be missing out on <grin>. 

So, it is during that first phone call that I will make a date. (I can only speak for myself here….I am sure other women and men need more time and that is fine too). I have found that I have needed to add a disclaimer at this time as well. I usually say something like, “I honor you enough as a person to be honest with you within minutes of meeting, and will tell you whether I think we have the “chemistry” needed to go further with the date.”  

Since I am on SexyAds, I am mostly here for the sex (and although most are here for sex, I can’t help thinking that we secretly hope we are going to broaden our chances of finding THE right person). I am not a desperate woman by any means and do not need to USE a man for dinner dates or sex, and I like the person to know that I won’t use him. I have heard too many stories from men saying they wined and dined the lady, and spent a lot of money on her for the date, and at the end of the night, she told him she was not attracted and didn’t want to see him again. I think that stinks!!! And when I hear those kinds of stories, I am ashamed of my gender. No wonder these guys are shell shocked. Come on ladies!!! And you know who you are, please have a little class! Taking advantage of someone’s good graces brings you bad karma!!

Pre-Date No No’s:

Do not set the other person up for disappointment e.g. do not say you love doing something that you are not going to DO on the date e.g. if you say you LOVE oral, but do not do it, this is going to set up a huge disappointment for the other person. If you say you love to dance because you know the other person loves dancing, and you end up not dancing because you really hate dancing, you are not living up to the expectation that YOU set out. This is a common problem. BE REAL! Come to terms with what you WILL do and don’t say you will do something that you know you don’t want to do just to get the date. It will pinch you in the arse one way or the other. Remember: If you set up a bunch of expectations, you are risking disappointment!! Be yourself and offer exactly what you have to give and than give it! Bottom line: Be honest with your TRUE self, and the rest will follow.

The Meeting

For dating someone you have only spoken to on the phone and in emails, it is wise to meet in a public place where the woman feels comfortable. Gentlemen should expect this. I think the men feel more comfortable in a public place too even though they might not admit that it really matters. What I think most men REALLY want is for you to choose the most conducive place to meet so they can successfully win your favor and whisk you off to a love nest for the next 2 hours!!! (Oops did I say that??) After all, haven’t you already discussed what positions you like best?? LOLOL. Seriously, I will tell the man on the phone whether or not he can expect sex on the first date, if we are mutually turned on.

For me, a persons’ energy is very important, and I find that within minutes I can tell if I am attracted to him. All the pre-date flowery, charming wit means nothing if we have no chemistry so meeting face to face is the only way I know to make a fully educated assessment of this. How you dress and present yourself says a lot about YOU. Casual is fine unless otherwise specified. Outward appearance is a good indication of inward togetherness (not always but it helps). Dress accordingly.

Women

If you hope for sex and you dress in a sexy way, expect the man to be forward with his advances. (Men are very visual you know?? <wink>). If you want to be conservative and safe, tone down the sexy look and button up a few more buttons on your blouse. If you are dressed in a slutty way, you’d better not get offended if he tries to find the top of those fishnets, hehehe. If you expect to be treated with respect, respect yourself!

Men

We know you hope for sex so please bring condoms. Don’t expect the women to have them. After all, she might bring regular size when you REALLY need extra large!!! Or worse, she may bring extra large (wishful thinking) and it may keep falling off!!! A man, who does not carry his own condoms, usually does not practice safe sex. This is a BAD sign and if you DID manage to get her into a love nest, YOU JUST BLEW IT!! So, be smart! And be SAFE! Be prepared.

Caveat: Some men (surprisingly) think "getting lucky" is scary. Having sex "too soon" tells some men "this gal sleeps around, and I had better watch out!" They don’t carry condoms because they don't expect sex on the first date. The women think, “Gee if I don’t have sex on the first date, will he think I am not interested and not ask me out again?” If in doubt, wait!! If he decides you are not worth dating again to get you to “put out” than you probably don’t need him in your life anyway.  If he is worth more to you than just a good piece of meat, let him know you are very turned on and want to see him again. This is different if the person has come a long way for an already agreed upon “romantic” date.

If you meet and there is no attraction either mutually or just one is attracted and the other isn’t, it can be awkward. My advice is to just be honest with each other and move on. Chances are, you will both feel uncomfortable and want the other to say something. Once something is said, relief abounds! 

Don’t take it personally if you are not attractive to someone.  Just because you were attracted in “type” or the written word, does not mean it is going to be so in person. That is just one of the challenges of this venue so get over it and move on.

 Being kind and warm, looking the person in the eye and being truthful is so much more honoring than making up fibs to get out of continuing the date. I can’t tell you how many men have thanked me for being honest and just saying, ”This is not a match here and I am going to leave now.”  I wish them well, thank them for the opportunity they gave me, and gracefully leave. You might become a master at this. LOL 

I always take my own car so I am in control of making my own choices. The one time I didn’t take my own car, I almost got into serious trouble. So take your own car to ensure that you're in control.

Disappointments

It has come to my attention that some people on personal ad sites are game players. They love the chase and the seduction and the snagging of the date, but for whatever reason, they don’t show up. I have many friends I've met who  report this occurrence. If it happens to you, PLEASE don’t take it personally and for heavens sake, DON’T GIVE UP!! 

People chicken out and then cannot face you to apologize. Or some actually love the chase, but are devious and mean enough to love the thrill of thinking someone is out there waiting for them and they had no intention of ever showing up.  Some things one can do to prevent this are: always get their cell phone number and make sure you confirm the date either the day before or the morning of. If you try the number and it is not in service or you cannot get through, assume it is bogus and move on. 

Those who are sincere about meeting usually have no problem giving you a way to contact them just in case you have to cancel at the last minute. It is an unspoken offering of trust and if there are circumstances whereby numbers need to be kept private, this should be explained sincerely. Not ALL people have cell phones and for security reasons, don’t feel comfortable giving out their home phone number. This is understandable especially if it is a married person. Ask that an email be exchanged for conformation. It is common courtesy to exchange numbers. IF you can’t make it to the date, call the place you planned on meeting and leave a message for your now “stood up” date.

If we pay attention to all the little clues that are dropped in our lap along the way, we reduce the chances of getting burned. And usually if we do get burned, it is our own fault for not paying attention.

I have been very lucky with most of my experiences on here. The gentlemen I have met from SexyAds have been exceptional for the most part. The ones that weren’t, just need a little more experience on how to love themselves more so they can effectively attract powerful women!!

<Personal note to those who have graciously taken the time to respond to my ad and previous article…..THANK YOU SO MUCH. It is a great pleasure to hear from all of you. <smile>

©2002 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.